WASHINGTON – The impeachment trial of President Trump started today in the Senate. However, even at this late date, there is deep division within the Democratic Party over how to best embarrass themselves and the party during the course of the trial.
Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer explained that members had several options in their arsenal. “Well, first, I want to congratulate Speaker Pelosi for doing a masterful job of embarrassing Democrats in the House, and even making this opportunity possible.
“Secondly, I hope we can make her proud here in the Senate. I will be my usual jackass self by screaming ‘cover up!’ and objecting on some point of order every time a Republican opens their mouth. That’s what I’m comfortable with, personally.”
Senator Bernie Sanders has his own ideas. “Certainly, we’ll make fools of ourselves during this trial. That goes without saying. But then again, maybe this whole ‘impeaching someone when there’s been no crime committed’ thing will catch on in the courts. Who knows?”
Senator Kamala Harris says she simply plans on playing her race and sexist cards every chance she gets. Senator Cory Booker says he’ll do the same. But Senator Elizabeth Warren thinks the party should embarrass itself in new ways.
“I don’t think we know yet how we’ll embarrass ourselves,” Warren admitted. “I don’t think we’ll know it until it happens. Will we blow it in opening statements? Probably. Will the Republicans’ defense of the president make us look small, petty, and asinine? Hell yeah. But there could be some new, creative ways we could further damage our brand. I’m kind of excited to see how we do it!”
Meanwhile, Joe Biden assured his fellow Democrats who are trapped at the trial and unable to campaign that he had it under control. “You all just take care of making us look stupid at the trial. I’ll take care of that on the trail.”