New Rating Lets Moviegoers Know If Film Was Shot In Abortion-Friendly State

HOLLYWOOD – The Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) has decided to add a new classification to their film rating system to help discerning moviegoers know which films were shot in ‘abortion friendly’ states. Due to Heartbeat Bills being passed in various states that wish to restrict abortions, many actors, studios, and Hollywood activists are refusing to work in those states. The new designation will be AF – Abortion Friendly, and it joins ratings G, PG-13, R, NC-17, etc. in letting audiences know which films are “woke” and which ones…

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Real Housewives Of Game Of Thrones Trounces GOT8 Ratings

WESTEROS – The Game of Thrones final season premier was a ratings juggernaut for HBO. That was before the after show – The Real Housewives of Game of Thrones. Tens of millions tuned in to watch the drama, backstabbing, and alliances of their favorite women from the show. In tonight’s episode, Cersei Lannister couldn’t deal with the fact that Queen Daenerys found her white overcoat ‘off the rack’ at a Valyrian discount market. “She can afford whatever she wants. I couldn’t bear to show my face in one of those…

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Jussie Smollett To Receive Razzie For Worst Hate Crime Performance

CHICAGO – In a late addition to this week’s 2019 Golden Raspberry Awards, or “Razzies” as they’re also called, honoring the worst in acting, Jussie Smollett will be scoring his first win for his latest acting effort. The hapless actor will receive this year’s Worst Hate Crime Performance by an Individual or Ensemble¬†Razzie. Fresh off being taken into custody by Chicago Police, the announcement brightened Jussie’s mood and bolstered his belief that “any publicity is better than no publicity.” His cell mates agreed. Explaining the organization’s rationale for honoring Smollett,…

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Mackenzie Bezos on Megyn Kelly’s $69 Million Score: That’s Cute

AMAZONIA – When news hit this week that NBC had settled with Megyn Kelly, and agreed to pay her $69 million to be rid of her, the dollar amount was staggering. However, not everybody was impressed. Mackenzie Bezos, the soon-to-be-ex-wife of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, found the news amusing. “$69 million? With an M?” Bezos asked. “That’s cute. I wish her well. I just don’t know how anybody survives on that amount, to be honest.” Mackenzie prefers to have a B with her illions. She could end up with around…

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Ernie Claims Bert Groped Him At Party 36 Years Ago

SESAME STREET – In a classic case of he said/he said, Ernie, after 36 years, is claiming that longtime roommate Bert once groped and sexually assaulted him at a party. The pair were drunk after throwing back several bottles of MD 20/20 the night the alleged incident took place. However, the timing of the revelation is suspect. The country was on the verge of confirming rumors that the two friends were gay lovers when Ernie made his accusation public. Why did he remain quiet for three-and-a-half decades? “Look, I love…

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Weather Channel’s Mike Seidel Caught In Hellish Personal Hurricane

NORTH CAROLINA – Veteran Weather Channel personality Mike Seidel thought he’d seen it all from the storms he’s covered before. Hurricane Florence changed all of that. Seidel spent much of the recent rain event trapped in his own hellish, personal hurricane. Video footage showed Seidel fighting to brave intense storm conditions within a “hurricane bubble.” The Weather Channel describes a hurricane bubble as “a pocket of hurricane force conditions that exist in a 10 to 20-foot radius, while areas outside the bubble experience much milder conditions.” “Hurricane bubbles are pretty…

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Michelle Wolf’s Netflix Show Aborted in First Trimester

netflix

NETFLIX – The so-called ‘comedian’ and professional Trump basher, Michelle Wolf, had her new show aborted after just three months on the streaming service. Wolf, a huge supporter of abortion, can’t be too unhappy with the termination of the unwanted show in its first trimester. “I should be really bummed,” Wolf said, “But it’s their network, their choice. I was hoping they would give the show a full nine-month run, and then maybe if they didn’t want it at that time, like, some other network could adopt it? You know,…

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CNN Furious After Trump Calls MSNBC Bottom of Fake News Barrel

ATLANTA – CNN personalities are furious after President Trump called MSNBC “the worst of all” when it comes to fake news outlets. His comments took place at a rally this weekend. It was bad enough for the network when Trump supporters made CNN reporter Jim Acosta cry at the event. Now this. Their bad weekend got worse when the president gave the worst news outlet title to MSNBC instead. CNN has long prided itself on being the leader in fake news, and their ratings bear out that fact. But the…

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TBS’s Samantha Cee-Word Learns a New Big Word

Samantha

NEW YORK CITY – Unfunny Full Frontal show host Samantha Bee/Cee (depending on whether she’s being a Bee-otch or a C–t that day) learned a new, big word yesterday. She immediately used her TBS show to workshop the latest addition to her limited vocabulary. She used the term “feckless c–t” to describe Ivanka Trump during an immigration rant. “I had never heard the word ‘feckless’ until it showed up on my cue cards,” Samantha admitted today. “We have some really smart writers on our show. It’s a perfect word to…

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Roseanne Lands Role In Next Planet of the Apes Reboot

LOS ANGELES – Fired sitcom actress Roseanne Barr already has an upcoming gig. The comedian had her show on ABC cancelled after going on an Ambien-fueled Twitter rant in which she referred to Obama sidekick Valerie Jarrett as the potential offspring of a Muslim Brotherhood and Planet of the Apes coupling. However, the firing of Roseanne has freed her up to accept new roles, including a lead character in the next installment of the Planet of the Apes saga. The next film, which will start pre-production in late 2018, is…

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