Ernie Claims Bert Groped Him At Party 36 Years Ago

SESAME STREET – In a classic case of he said/he said, Ernie, after 36 years, is claiming that longtime roommate Bert once groped and sexually assaulted him at a party. The pair were drunk after throwing back several bottles of MD 20/20 the night the alleged incident took place. However, the timing of the revelation is suspect. The country was on the verge of confirming rumors that the two friends were gay lovers when Ernie made his accusation public. Why did he remain quiet for three-and-a-half decades? “Look, I love…

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Weather Channel’s Mike Seidel Caught In Hellish Personal Hurricane

NORTH CAROLINA – Veteran Weather Channel personality Mike Seidel thought he’d seen it all from the storms he’s covered before. Hurricane Florence changed all of that. Seidel spent much of the recent rain event trapped in his own hellish, personal hurricane. Video footage showed Seidel fighting to brave intense storm conditions within a “hurricane bubble.” The Weather Channel describes a hurricane bubble as “a pocket of hurricane force conditions that exist in a 10 to 20-foot radius, while areas outside the bubble experience much milder conditions.” “Hurricane bubbles are pretty…

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Michelle Wolf’s Netflix Show Aborted in First Trimester

netflix

NETFLIX – The so-called ‘comedian’ and professional Trump basher, Michelle Wolf, had her new show aborted after just three months on the streaming service. Wolf, a huge supporter of abortion, can’t be too unhappy with the termination of the unwanted show in its first trimester. “I should be really bummed,” Wolf said, “But it’s their network, their choice. I was hoping they would give the show a full nine-month run, and then maybe if they didn’t want it at that time, like, some other network could adopt it? You know,…

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CNN Furious After Trump Calls MSNBC Bottom of Fake News Barrel

ATLANTA – CNN personalities are furious after President Trump called MSNBC “the worst of all” when it comes to fake news outlets. His comments took place at a rally this weekend. It was bad enough for the network when Trump supporters made CNN reporter Jim Acosta cry at the event. Now this. Their bad weekend got worse when the president gave the worst news outlet title to MSNBC instead. CNN has long prided itself on being the leader in fake news, and their ratings bear out that fact. But the…

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TBS’s Samantha Cee-Word Learns a New Big Word

Samantha

NEW YORK CITY – Unfunny Full Frontal show host Samantha Bee/Cee (depending on whether she’s being a Bee-otch or a C–t that day) learned a new, big word yesterday. She immediately used her TBS show to workshop the latest addition to her limited vocabulary. She used the term “feckless c–t” to describe Ivanka Trump during an immigration rant. “I had never heard the word ‘feckless’ until it showed up on my cue cards,” Samantha admitted today. “We have some really smart writers on our show. It’s a perfect word to…

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Roseanne Lands Role In Next Planet of the Apes Reboot

LOS ANGELES – Fired sitcom actress Roseanne Barr already has an upcoming gig. The comedian had her show on ABC cancelled after going on an Ambien-fueled Twitter rant in which she referred to Obama sidekick Valerie Jarrett as the potential offspring of a Muslim Brotherhood and Planet of the Apes coupling. However, the firing of Roseanne has freed her up to accept new roles, including a lead character in the next installment of the Planet of the Apes saga. The next film, which will start pre-production in late 2018, is…

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Anderson Cooper: Top Buttons On Stormy Daniels’ Blouse Defied Laws of Physics

Stormy

NEW YORK – Millions of viewers to the 60 Minutes Stormy Daniels interview by CNN’s Anderson Cooper were riveted to their screens for one reason only, according to a deep dive into the ratings for the show: Would the top two buttons on Daniels’ blouse be able to maintain their structural integrity throughout the interview? Anderson Cooper admitted he was amazed by what he witnessed during his sit-down with the porn star. “There were definitely some laws of physics broken during our talk,” he said. “Throughout the entire interview, I…

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Actress Jennifer Lawrence Starts Activism Career With #MyMiddleFinger

HOLLYWOOD – Actress Jennifer Lawrence has had it with you movie fans. She’s announced that she will be withholding her acting skills from the public until she’s finished beating you over the head with her progressive political views. Her initial entry into political activism is a new movement she calls #MyMiddleFinger. It’s her way of bringing Americans closer together. And progressive celebrities like Lawrence fully understand the power of hashtag activism. “#MyMiddleFinger is my way of connecting with the little people out there – especially those little bastards who voted…

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Black Dresses Newest Defense Weapon Against Sexual Assault

dresses

LOS ANGELES – Following the success of Hollywood actresses at the Golden Globes Awards show last weekend putting an end to sexual harassment, self-defense experts are urging all women to wear black dresses whenever they leave the house as the latest way to ward off potential assaults. “If you’ll notice,” Consuela Jackson of Beverly Hills Jiu-Jitsu Club remarked, “There was not one single rape or sexual assault of any of the actresses who wore black dresses to The Globes the other night. I think that speaks volumes.” Most experts are…

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Hallmark Channel Promises to “De-Whiten” Christmas Movies

Hallmark

Regardless of the subject, unless all races, sexes, nationalities, and religions are presented in proper proportions, the American left is going to lose their minds. This year they’ve targeted The Hallmark Channel, whining that their Christmas movies are “too white.” Obviously, this makes each movie unwatchable to anyone who’s not a white heterosexual. Titles such as Enchanted Christmas, Marry Me at Christmas, Christmas Getaway, A Gift to Remember, and The Mistletoe Inn are triggering social justice TV viewers because of their white, hetero cast of characters. Bowing to pressure, The Hallmark…

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