Ernie Claims Bert Groped Him At Party 36 Years Ago

SESAME STREET – In a classic case of he said/he said, Ernie, after 36 years, is claiming that longtime roommate Bert once groped and sexually assaulted him at a party. The pair were drunk after throwing back several bottles of MD 20/20 the night the alleged incident took place.

However, the timing of the revelation is suspect. The country was on the verge of confirming rumors that the two friends were gay lovers when Ernie made his accusation public. Why did he remain quiet for three-and-a-half decades?

“Look, I love the ladies. Always have,” Ernie insisted. “I’m not gay. Never have been. I’ve never experimented with it myself, with Bert or anyone else. I don’t even know what Bert is. Dude might be bi for all I know, and I don’t care. What he does on his side of our room is his business.”

Ernie recreates the alleged assault in a dream sequence as future Supreme Court Justice Kavanaugh looks on from the TV.

Bert said he doesn’t remember ever being at a party like the one Ernie has described. The only alleged witness to the incident, Grover, has said he doesn’t recall anyone groping anyone.

Ernie’s story appears flimsy from several angles. He’s sketchy on the few details he’s described, like the exact time and place of the party. Also, the Sesame Street police department has no record of the incident being reported.

Ernie is demanding that PBS investigate his claims, but the network says they have no jurisdiction over the matter. This accusation appears to be going nowhere. And it’s been brought to you by the letters B and S.


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