PUNXSUTAWNEY – Famous groundhog Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his burrow this morning, saw several Democrats, and predicted seven more years of president Trump. The groundhog said he was appalled by what he saw.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more bitter, hateful, and miserable group of people,” Phil said. “Normally, there’s some kind of reaction when I pop out each year to make my annual predictions. This time, I come out of my warm, cozy burrow, freezing my ass off I might add, and these people are sitting on their hands, stone-faced.”
Phil continued, “One of them was even on their phone playing Candy Crush and never even looked up! I’ve never felt so disrespected. Who would want to be around these pitiful wretches?! I’m predicting seven more years of Trump!”
The groundhog also said his family was grateful for the extra “crumbs” they were receiving from the president this year, and said Nancy Pelosi could kiss his furry butt if she didn’t think it helped them make it through the rough winter.
As he scurried back into his hole, Punxsutawney Phil turned and gave one last comment: “Release the damn memo!” Then he disappeared. See you next year, Phil.