WASHINGTON – During his speech at the “Students Are Gun Experts” (SAGE) – which also means wise, knowledgeable, or profound – rally here today, high school anti-Second Amendment activist David Hogg threatened lawmakers with his own brand of justice.
“And to all those f***king politicians who would rather take blood money from the f***king NRA than protect school kids by banning all guns from everybody,” Hogg shouted, “don’t make me unleash MY f***kin’ guns! Have you seen my arms?! Trust me, that’s a fight you can’t win!!” The audience went wild as David flexed and showed off his guns to the adoring crowds.
Fellow Parkland activist Emma Gonzalez, who is also known by her stage name, Negasonic Teenage Warhead, admitted that David’s guns are impressive. “You can’t tell on TV, but his biceps and tri’s are massive in person. You know how the TV adds 10 pounds to you on screen? It’s just the opposite with his guns. TV takes, like, 10 inches of circumference off your arms. It’s really, really weird.”
Hogg told the crowd he’s been doing curls with 20-pound dumbbells in between his nearly non-stop television appearances. “I can do two sets of 12 before the f***king burn starts to be too much,” he revealed.
David also told the rally crowds that if he was forced to break out his own guns, politicians would be praying for gun control in a heartbeat. Finally, Hogg says he hopes to find a university where he can major in profanity after graduation.