NEW YORK – Trying to hang on to some shred of relevancy, failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has finally triumphed in her bid to be president of something. She announced today that she is now the “President of the United Woods of Chappaqua.”
Hillary out-campaigned a beaver, a gray fox, and a young, upstart muskrat to win the title. She will now serve as the supreme ruler over all wildlife in the forests around the hamlet of Chappaqua.
Mrs. Clinton took nothing for granted this time around, and is taking special pride in her victory. “Not only am I the first president of the woods of Chappaqua, but this also makes me the first female president of these woods!”
Hillary made an appearance to a large group of woodland creatures yesterday afternoon, taking the opportunity to slam President Trump and his federal budget proposal.
A clearly angry Clinton told her audience, “This budget would unleash an unimaginable level of cruelty on all of us, and I know I don’t have to talk to you all about cruelty. Animals will die if his budget is passed.”
A black bear whispered to a cougar sitting beside him, “Pretty ironic, don’t you think? She’s talking to us about unimaginable levels of cruelty? Has she ever listened to one of her own speeches?”