Hillary’s Latest: “Pulled Hamstring Kept Me From Running Better Race”

NEW YORK CITY – Hillary Clinton limped to the stage a few days ago at the Plaza Hotel here, in an attempt to explain to her top donors why their hard-earned millions ended up being part of the worst political investment in history. The Clinton campaign managed to flush over $1 billion down the toilet, just to come in second.

Granted, Mrs. Clinton faced strong headwinds in her quest for the presidency, only having had every available advantage known to man helping carry her to her throne. But, besides those pesky Russians, Hillary told the rich crowd her latest excuse for why her campaign sucked so bad.

“I didn’t want to reveal this during the campaign because I knew what the Trump people would do with it,” Clinton explained. “I pulled my hamstring, in both legs, back during the primary, during an intense yoga session with Huma.”


“The campaign never gave me time to heal, and that’s why I couldn’t run a better race for the White House. Those of you who have been involved in politics can appreciate how difficult it can be for a team that’s hamstrung with a bad hamstring – or two.”

Hillary went on, “That’s what happened on 9-11 as the van pulled up. I wasn’t having a seizure or even pneumonia. Both my hammies cramped up and I was in extreme pain. They hooked me up to a Gatorade IV to get me rehydrated, and that’s why I bounced back so quickly that afternoon. I take all my fluids intravenously.”

Upon leaving the party, many attendees were heard saying things like, “Well, now it all makes sense,” and “Poor Hillary. She just wasn’t in her best shape. I feel better now, knowing the truth” and “Why didn’t she just stretch more? Shame on Huma if she wasn’t giving Hillary a deep tissue massage every night!”


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2 Thoughts to “Hillary’s Latest: “Pulled Hamstring Kept Me From Running Better Race”

  1. Any truth to the rumor that two boxes of red wine a night causes pulled hamstrings? Just askin’!

    1. E. Williams

      If she doesn’t lift the boxes with her legs…yes.

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