Impeachment: Chuck Schumer To Have Cousin, Amy, Write Democrat Closing Arguments

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WASHINGTON – Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer is desperate. Despite his furious spinning, he knows his party’s opening arguments bombed on the big stage. Now, he’s hoping his cousin, comic Amy Schumer, can add some life to Democrats’ closing arguments next week.

“Look, I know Adam Schiff and Jerry Nadler aren’t the most charismatic guys,” Schumer told reporters this weekend. “I, personally, along with the mainstream media, think they’re two of the finest orators to ever grace the Senate chamber. But it’s clear that the majority of senators are not buying the bullsh*t we’re selling.

“We need to step up our game in our closing arguments. That’s why I’ve asked my cousin Amy to spice things up for us. She’s working on a powerful closing argument that will highlight all the president’s wrongdoing, while also working in funny comments about genitalia and bodily fluids.”

It’s unclear at this time whether Chuck will have Schiff and Nadler deliver the remarks written by Amy, or whether she’ll perform them herself in a stand-up routine for the senators and Chief Justice.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, whose bright idea it was to appoint Schiff and Nadler to bore senators to death, doesn’t care. “Amy, Adam, Jerry, I don’t care. Just bring me Trump’s head on a pike,” she mumbled, before getting back to her bottle of Chardonnay.

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