Joe Biden: I’ll Put My Cognitive Decline Up Against Anybody’s Cognitive Decline

HIS BASEMENT – Joe Biden’s mental health has been in question throughout his campaign for president. But he’s been able to dodge addressing it until this week. A reporter finally asked him if his elevator still goes to the top floor. And if it does, why is it the slowest elevator in the city?

Biden responded by saying he would put his cognitive decline up against anybody’s cognitive decline. “My cognitive ability is being tested constantly,” he insisted. “In fact, I’m being tested at this very moment. While I’m answering your question, I’m being asked to solve a math word problem in my earpiece. That’s not easy.”

After he finished the sentence, he put his finger to his earpiece and muttered, “X equals the number of pies Sally brought to the fair.”

cognitive decline

Biden then went on to remind the press that stammering, stumbling on words, incomplete thoughts, long pauses, blank stares, gaffes, and memory lapses are all traits the American people are looking for in a president.

“Look, man, my cognitive decline puts my opponent’s cognitive decline to shame. My decline has been steeper, quicker, and much more noticeable than anybody on either side of the aisle, with the possible exception of Nancy Pelosi. But last time I checked, she wasn’t running for president. Right? She’s not running for president, is she?”

After being assured she wasn’t, Biden seemed to relax. “OK, good. Let’s go back to the softball questions. I like those. Who’s next?”

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