Joe Biden Offers Beatdown Analogies For Upcoming Primary Losses

NEW HAMPSHIRE – Democratic 2020 hopeful Joe Biden has admitted that his lackluster performance in Iowa last week was a “gut punch.” He’s already predicting New Hampshire’s primary will go for Bernie Sanders, and will be a “real kick in the teeth” to his campaign once the votes are counted.

Speaking at a campaign rally before the New Hampshire primary, Biden told the crowd, “I’m not gonna lie to you. This is not where we’d hoped we’d be, and that’s why Nevada is so important. If we don’t take Nevada, it’ll be a humiliating kick in the crotch.

“And then comes the South Carolina primary! We like our chances in South Carolina, but if we don’t win that state outright, it’ll definitely knock the checks off our Nikes. I can’t state the importance of this, folks. Losing there would really stomp a mudhole in our chances of winning the nomination.

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“Now, Super Tuesday could still save us,” Biden continued. “Of course, losses in either Alabama, Arkansas, or Oklahoma would knock the stank right off us. We can stand getting ripped up one side and down the other in Utah and North Dakota, but without wins in Texas and Virginia, we’ll be beaten like a red-headed stepchild. Now, I’ve got nothing against stepchildren, but I need your help. Come on, man! Who’s with me?!”

After a smattering of applause, he went on to tell the small crowd of supporters that he hoped they would help keep him from getting choked out by California, or being knocked to tomorrow by a loss in Florida.

One attendee said as he was exiting the event, “There’s no sugarcoating it. As Biden speeches go, that one hurt. “

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