Justin Amash Sobers From 3-Week Bender, Cancels Imaginary Presidential Bid


MICHIGAN – Congressman Justin Amash has had a wild last three weeks. After beginning a 3-week long bender, he announced to the world that he was launching a bid for the presidency as a third-party candidate. Weeks later, he sobered up.

“It was like a 3-week version of The Hangover movies,” a recovering Amash told reporters. “First, I was on an ego trip, then a power trip, then an acid trip, and finally I added alcohol to the mix. I’ve never been so ripped before.”

Justin admitted he was so plastered that he placed a booty call to Nancy Pelosi last week.

Justin said as he was resting and trying to get his bearings again, his friends starting blowing up his phone with messages about a presidential run. “I didn’t know what they were talking about. But more and more of them kept referring to this 2020 White House run. I assumed it was just them playing a prank.”

Amash began to take things seriously after friends kept saying he’d better sober up before he hit the campaign trail. “I said, ‘very funny,’ to them. But they kept saying, ‘Dude, you told the whole world you were challenging Trump for the presidency as some kind of delusional Libertarian. We all laughed about it, but you kept saying you meant it.'”

“That would be really embarrassing if I’d really said that,” Amash said. “But just so there’s no misunderstanding, for the record, I am NOT running for president this year or any year. And if any of my supporters thought I was serious about an imaginary run for president, don’t blame me. Blame my mental state and Jack Daniels.”


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