Making Ends: Chris Cuomo Forced To Hawk Fitness Videos In Wake Of CNN Suspension

suspension

NEW YORK – CNN has wisely suspended anchor Chris Cuomo. The network admits this is the first thing they’ve done right in decades. Cuomo was busted for trying to use media contacts to dig up dirt on his brother’s sexual assault victims.

So how does a cocky bro make ends meet after being suspended? Cuomo says he will hawk many of the thousands of fitness pics and workout videos he’s made of himself over the years. “Fredo,” as he’s better known, has a few fans, but none bigger than himself.

“I never workout without documenting it,” Fredo told us. “The way I lift, and the way I look, it’s better than anybody else out there. I actually feel guilty about hoarding all these images and videos for me and my family. As evidenced by my suspension, America wants more of me!”

“Chris has a glorious body,” said network bro Don Lemon. “I’ve seen it up close. Guuuuurrrrllll….don’t get me started on those glutes. Damn!” Thanks, Don.

Fredo plans to sell his fitness selfies until another liberal entity comes calling. “I don’t know what the future holds for us Cuomo boys. Prison? Another network gig? But whatever it is, I’m sure we’ll look good doing it.”

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