Mars/M & M’s Cave To Critical Candy Theory, Sugar-Coat Changes To Characters


VIRGINIA – Mars, Inc. has M&Mbraced wokeness. The makers of M&M’s have fallen victim to Critical Candy Theory (CCT). CCT is an activist-inspired idea that teaches candy makers to not judge an M&M by its color, but rather by the content of its fictional character.

The company announced changes to some of the candy’s ‘personalities’ in a bid to appear as woke as possible. Since 1941, the M&M brand has been known by slogans such as “All the World Loves M&M’s,” “Melts In Your Mouth, Not In Your Hand,” and “That’s What She Said.”

A Mars spokesman sugar-coated the changes. “How many times have you opened a bag of M&M’s and thought, ‘This candy doesn’t represent me.’ We don’t want one person in the world to ever feel that pain. And going forward, all M&M’s will be fully vaxxed and boosted.”

Some of the changes to the characters include:

Orange M&M is a beta-male always worried about offending someone, but he’s finally learned how to tie his shoes.
Green M&M has traded go-go boots for sneakers, but is still a slut. Also, it’s revealed she’s previously had two secret abortions.
Brown M&M has had a catty relationship with Green M&M, but now the two form an alliance to “throw shine and not shade at them Skittles bitches.”

Each character’s preferred pronouns will be listed on the back of each package. But at least it’s a better world now. Thanks to the rebranding, the US has regained its footing as the world’s lone superpower. Also, the Doomsday Clock has been moved back to 5 minutes before midnight.


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