NEW YORK – When you’re God’s gift to women, you’ve got to be ready at all times. NBC’s latest sex fiend, Matt Lauer, was always ready for action. In the wake of revelations yesterday that the network’s money man has been abusing women and flying his freak flag for years, it was revealed that the star had a button behind his desk for sinister reasons.
It turns out that Matt’s desk was his ‘control and command center’ for handling women in “Lauer’s lair.” If an attractive woman was summoned to his office by Lauer or an assistant, or she happened to be dropping something off for him to read over, Matt could activate a button that would lock his office door, ensnaring his victim in his perverted web.
However, sometimes an “undesirable” entered his office and, if Matt wasn’t sufficiently turned on by the female, she was quickly dispatched to the building’s basement through a secret trap door that he activated with another button. After tumbling numerous floors to the basement, the women were so disoriented that they couldn’t remember what happened or how they ended up there – leaving Lauer in the clear.
In addition, it appears Matt had an area set up under his desk with an alarm clock so he could secretly nap under it, a la George Costanza in a Seinfeld episode. Celebrities are such strange people.