FLORIDA – Trying to keep up with all the ways 2020 Democratic hopefuls are promising to wipe out all uncomfortable facets of modern life, Mayor Pete Buttigieg has joined the chorus. Pete wants to pass reparations for all the money college students spent on beer and alcohol during their university days.
“Look, Bernie wants to wipe out financial distress with college loan forgiveness. Kamala Harris and Squaw Warren want to wipe out racism by making reparations for slavery and the hard times the white man gave the red man. Hell, even Beto is pledging to wipe out all DUI records from the 1990’s.”
“I’ve got to give away something meaningful myself if I want to stay in the conversation for this nomination. Now, we all know college students spend a ton of money on booze while they attend school. For God’s sake, a keg of Bud is nearly $100 in some areas! It’s a necessary expense. But why should they have to foot that bill?”
The Mayor said that if he’s elected president in 2020, former college students will simply have to furnish their transcript, showing how many years they attended a school of higher learning, and an algorithm will determine the amount each student will receive.
“First, I will create the Department of Reparations and, after only 9 years of efficient, bureaucratic red tape, former students should start to see their money trickle in,” Pete explained.