WASHINGTON – He’s having to come clean now that he’s about to run for president in 2020. Creepy Joe Biden has now admitted that repeated photos of him sniffing women’s hair was all just part of the job.
“I was a shampoo fragrance secret shopper for several decades,” Biden admitted in a statement on Friday. “You can understand now why I was getting so close and handsy with all those women. But I couldn’t blow my cover. I’d lose the $100 gift certificate they gave me for each survey I turned in.”
The former VP refused to name the hair care product company who hired him for the job. However, Biden did admit to once getting caught in the White House, freebasing shampoo samples in his office. “Barack walked in on me, so I had to tell him. He said he understood that the Vice-President doesn’t make a lot and it was cool that I had a side gig to bring in a little spending money.”
“Ash Carter’s wife, Stephanie, had a delightful bouquet of Mirabelle plum, lemon, lavender and seaweed extracts radiating from her hair. It was intoxicating, and I forgot where I was for a moment.”
Biden spokesman Bill Russo told reporters, “Mr. Biden has a strong affinity for brands like Bumble and Bumble, True Botanicals, and Head & Shoulders. You’ve noticed he likes to hold onto the shoulders while he smells the head. I’m sure the women don’t mind.”
Russo said he thinks the explanation of Biden’s side job will appease confused voters. “I’m hopeful this revelation will make any images of Joe getting uncomfortably close to random women seem less creepy than he really is.”