Minneapolis Rioters: We’re Just Picking Up Our Looter Layaway Merchandise

looter layaway

MINNESOTA – They pillage and blunder when they get mad, but rioters in Minneapolis this week totally destroyed a Target Dept. store. The reason? They say they were picking up merchandise they had been keeping in the store’s “looter layaway” program.

LaTonda Allen, a first-time looter from the area, said, “I’ve had my eye on this big ass TV for a long, long time now. But Target’s looter layaway policy states that merchandise can only be picked up after there’s been a crisis that can be exploited. We got that this week when that white cop murdered Mr. Floyd.

I feel so bad for that poor man and his family, but when I saw the news about it, I shouted, ‘Mama’s getting her TV this week!’ My kids thought I was crazy!”

Layaway looters were mindful to follow the COVID-19 rules of wearing masks while they picked up their merchandise.

Will Crawford, an activist from Wisconsin who was bused in to help stir things up after the tragic killing, explained why he was taking advantage of the store’s looter layaway program. “My brother told me that if I could bring home enough electronics and what not…you know, stuff we could sell on the street, that it might actually bring George Floyd back to life. I hope it works.”

Another looter, Darrius McDonald, told us, “It’s like this. I picked up a bunch of cameras, some jewelry, and even grabbed some school supplies for my niece on the way out. I wasn’t only thinking of myself, you see? I’m like a looter with a heart of gold. You’re not gonna publish my name, are you?”

Relax, Darrius. Nobody ever gets in trouble when you just need space to destroy. Thank God for Target’s Looter Layaway program.

One thirsty patron tried to open a cash register so he could get change for the soda machine.


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