MLB: Baseball May Never Return If Spitting Banned Due To COVID

NEW YORK – Word on the diamond is that Major League Baseball may never return if players are banned from spitting, due to the Covid-19 pandemic. And, let’s be honest, spitting is in the top 5 of America’s favorite past times.

Representatives for the MLB Player’s Union say the game will not be the same if players aren’t allowed to spit every 15 seconds, both on the field and in the dugout. The Union is at odds with team owners, many of whom don’t have spit in the game.

Due to the postponement of the current season, players have been working on extending their in-between spit times. So far, the player record is 49 seconds set by Mike Trout of the Los Angeles Angels in a preseason game. Houston Astros outfielder George Springer is rumored to have gone 1 minute 6 seconds without spitting, but that was at a team practice and not under game conditions.

“Covid is ruining everything,” a player’s union official complained. “I mean, some parts of the game need to be gone. Yasiel Puig’s licking his bat? Gross. That was wrong in the first place. We can ban that. But spitting? I know this is tough for the fans, but the players are really salivating over getting on the field again. Their homes must be flooded by now!”

Xander Bogaerts, shortstop for the Red Sox, said, “Would the ban include all spittle? Could we drool? I don’t know where they expect us to store all our spit. Are they going to make us all wear spit catheters? This is uncharted territory.”

The player’s union maintains that their tough stance against any potential ban on spitting is not just about the current pandemic conditions. “We have to think of all the spitters who will play this wonderful game in the future.”

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