WASHINGTON – Right around noon today, MSNBC commentator Chris Matthews lost all sensation in his lower body. Doctors who examined him this afternoon said Matthews is a little freaked out about the sudden paralysis, but they believe he should regain feeling in his legs slowly over the next few months.
“It’s been well documented that Chris contracted a neurological disorder when President Obama won his election back in 2008. The tingling sensation he experienced when Mr. Obama appeared on TV, or made a speech, has been ongoing since then and Chris has learned to live with, and even enjoy, the feeling,” an attending doctor explained.
“It scared the crap out of me,” Matthews told his MSNBC audience tonight. “The tingle went away the moment President Trump put his hand on Lincoln’s bible to take the oath. My legs were instantly paralyzed, and I had to knock down Andrea Mitchell so I could land on her to break my fall. I hope she’s alright.”
Doctors say the tingling disorder rarely occurs outside of the mainstream media industry, and mainly afflicts Obama sycophants. Until Matthews regains the use of his legs, he says he’ll be able to depend on other news anchors and anti-Trump protesters to help him bathe, drive him around, and get groceries for him.
“I’ll be honest with you,” Chris said on his show tonight, “Being paralyzed is devastating. I’m really going to miss that thrill up my leg.”