WASHINGTON – Special Counsel Robert “Muddy” Mueller issued a last, for now, statement on his famous report on Russian collusion and obstruction of justice by the Trump campaign. His statement today made his findings as clear as mud.
Waxing on the 14th Amendment to the US Constitution, Mueller reaffirmed that, “In America, a person is presumed innocent unless I can’t not un-exonerate them. Look it up, people. I didn’t make the law up.”
“Muddy” then started really making things up. “Under the 71st Amendment, the law provides for a presumption of innocence except in the case of a soft coup. Under this provision, and as a member in good standing of the Deep State, I can issue conflicting statements like this one today.”
After winking at House Judiciary chair Jerry Nadler, he’d hoped his message had been conveyed. However, Nadler missed the signal, having already fainted.
He finished his remarks by saying, “I wrote my report in a way that partisans on each side will be able to infer innocence or guilt based on their political ideology. This way everyone is happy. Or angry. I couldn’t be more crystal clear with my findings. Whatever. I’m done.”
By failing to not exonerate President Trump, Mueller allows for guilt or innocence to be twisted by each citizen, depending on whether they’re wearing red or blue colored glasses.