Nancy Pelosi Confident She’ll Win Swimsuit Portion of Speakership Battle


WASHINGTON – Nancy Pelosi is the Hillary Clinton of Congress – she won’t go away. Whether 78 or 178-years-old, now that Democrats have won back the House, she’ll die before seeing another possess the power of the magic gavel she once held.

“I know there are others out there who feel they’re better than me,” Nancy admitted. “Especially some of the young upstarts in our party. But I will do well in the interview part of the judging, I’ll ace the talent portion, and I’m a slam dunk in the swimsuit competition. I mean, just look at me.”

Reporters starting gagging and throwing up at the mental picture Pelosi was providing them. Several journalists ran from the room as Nancy described her paid-for-by-taxpayers bikini.

“If any of these new, young socialist babes think they’re going to deny me the Holy Gavel, they’re in for a rude awakening. The kind like my husband gets when he wakes up next to me each morning. The speakership is my birthright!”

Pelosi was on her way to the gym, tanning salon, cosmetic surgeon, and then on to Home Depot, where she’ll buy a bucket of spackling paste to fill in her wrinkles before the speakership voting begins.


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