WASHINGTON – House Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi has been gnashing her teeth and frothing at the mouth non-stop lately over how hurtful the GOP’s tax cut plan will be for the country. She says the reason is that the cuts are literally physical cuts.
“These tax cuts will cut a bitch,” Pelosi told reporters. “It’s the most dangerous legislation ever passed by Congress. Seriously, have you seen what’s in this monstrous thing?! You can’t cut taxes without cutting! There are knives, swords, box cutters and razor blades throughout this thing. If you’re one of the unlucky ones to be affected by these tax cuts…..you WILL bleed out. You’re gonna die. And that’s not good for anybody.”
Guns N’ Roses guitarist Slash stood just over Pelosi’s shoulder for added optics as she read her gloomy statement. Using her usual scare tactics, she reminded her constituents that the first cut is always the deepest.
“I want to prepare all of my Democrat friends,” she said, “When you get your paychecks on February 1 next year, make sure you have your blood type written down on you somewhere, because these tax cuts are going to hurt you too. Be especially alert for paper cuts when handling your pay stubs. Republicans will get you any way they can.”
House Speaker Paul Ryan happened by and after hearing Pelosi’s dramatic predictions, said, “Cut it out, Nancy.”