WASHINGTON – Democrats on Capitol Hill have been seen twitching, sweating, and acting paranoid lately, but the cause has been unclear until now. Speaker Nancy Pelosi confirmed today that she’s been suffering impeachment withdrawals since the failure of the Senate trial to impeach President Trump.
“I can’t hardly sleep, I’m not eating much, I can’t sit still or concentrate on anything these last 10 days,” Pelosi admitted. “So, over the weekend, Adam Schiff, myself, Eric Swalwell, and other members of our caucus went to a clinic to find out what was happening.
“The doctor said we all had impeachment withdrawal. It’s what I bet Jerry Nadler it was. He owes me 100 bucks. At least we know what it is now. We all agreed we just need to impeach the president as many times as we can until election day. That’s the best way to get our impeachment fix, and it saves us from having to do our real jobs.”
Nancy said she actually enjoys the delirium, hallucinations, and mental confusion she experiences from the withdrawals. “That’s kind of my normal. What I hate are the lethargy, tremors, and nightmares of the president laughing at us. It’s hell.”
The doctor who saw Pelosi and pals said, “They’re all so deranged and full of hate for Mr. Trump, I don’t see how they beat this thing. They’re so far gone mentally that I don’t even think sending them to a Impeachers Anonymous meeting would do any good – for any of them.
“I saw Ms. Pelosi and Mr. Schiff trying to impeach some homeless man in the alley behind our office, right after they left. It’s really a pathetic condition.”