Nancy Pelosi Intros New ‘I’m Kneeling, And I Can’t Get Up!’ Life Alert System

kneeling

WASHINGTON – What do you get the aging, white, career politician in your life who needs to bend the knee to the rage mob? Do you need to take a knee to convey how woke you are? Are you begging for votes this November? Well, the Speaker of the House has just what you need.

Introducing the “I’m kneeling…..and I can’t get up!” medical alert system. This week, Nancy Pelosi showed off her new product in the Pander Collection from Life Alert. The discreet device can be used to call for help in the event that you take a knee, but can’t get upright on your own.

“I’ve pandered so much during my career, and many times I wished that I had something like this,” Pelosi said. “For many of us who’ve been in Congress decade after decade after decade, our knees can take a beating. Whether it’s from providing sexual favors or blatant pandering to the black community like we did today, it can be a real life saver.”

Not all of Pelosi’s Democratic colleagues had the new device at their latest over-the-top, race-pandering event, but there were spotters nearby to assist those needing help to stand.

“Not everybody has the luxury of having a spotter nearby when they bend the knee to the rage mob, so I sincerely recommend this product for the Democrat in your family. It provides that peace of mind so many of us need in moments like this,” Nancy admitted.

“And if you order now,” she continued, “We’ll throw in this colorful Kente cloth scarf from Africa for free. You can use it to conceal your Life Alert device, and it really lets your black brothers and sisters know you’re down for the struggle.”

Pelosi then sat back while her stylist finished braiding her dreadlocks.

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