MENLO PARK – Social media giant Facebook has now been busted for performing colonoscopies and other invasive procedures on unsuspecting users, usually while they sleep or have passed out drunk. The platform has taken heat recently for abusing privacy laws as it tries to learn every detail of each user’s life.
A whistleblower has come forward to reveal that Facebook has now crossed the line by going inside unaware users’ bodies, in an attempt to learn even more about each person’s existence. This has forced the founder to release a statement on the secret activity.
“We’ve already been recording every minute detail about your personal life – listening in to your phone conversations and storing your texts -” CEO Mark Zuckerberg explained, “but we felt we needed to dig a little deeper. I mean, can you really say you know a user completely if you’ve only seen them from the outside?”
“We can obtain x-rays and other medical records on any user, sure,” Zuck continued, “but until you actually see a user from the inside you really can’t be sure that you know them well enough to one day control them. And after all, isn’t that why we’re doing this Facebook thing in the first place?”
Facebook has been performing colonoscopies, and even female pelvic exams, on unsuspecting users without their knowledge. Now, people have started coming forward saying they feel violated upon hearing the news….especially since they didn’t even get dinner and a movie from Facebook first!