SALEM – Oregon Governor Kate Brown is commanding subjects in her Kingdom of Oregon to snitch on each other this Thanksgiving. She wants all peasants to focus on the real meaning of the holiday.
“Thanksgiving should be all about giving thanks that I’m your governor,” Brown said today. “For without me, you wouldn’t know how to celebrate this festive time. That’s why I’m dictating how many of you can gather in one place. However, I still want you to enjoy your holiday meal.
And that’s why I’m urging all of you to report anybody who’s serving dressing that is way too dry. Dry dressing can ruin a Thanksgiving meal, we all know that. And if a host doesn’t know how to make a moister dressing, one that enhances the meal, they have no business serving it.”
Governor Brown instructed that police be called if a dressing emergency is witnessed. She also said those serving canned whipped toppings for pies, instead of Cool Whip products, should be reported.
The governor’s office released a statement saying only that “Police State Kate” had experienced a bad dry-dressing incident years ago, and she has no tolerance for it.
Just in the past week, Governor Brown has dictated that citizens call police if they encounter large family gatherings, dry dressing, or Oregonians who keep their toilet paper in the “under-the-roll” position.