VIRGINIA – At PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animal Crackers) headquarters in Norfolk, jubilation over the organization’s victory to ‘free’ animals on the box of Nabisco’s Barnum’s Animal Crackers was short lived. Employees soon realized that, despite their efforts, the animals were still captive within each box of crackers.
PETA fought to have the snack company remove the circus bars from the box cover, and replace it with the animals in some imagined, cookie Serengeti. This move would effectively ‘free’ the animals that have appeared captive on the boxes for over 100 years.
“We didn’t realize the animal crackers would still be stuck in the box,” a PETA spokesperson said. “Our belief is that all animal crackers should be free-range. It’s truly heartbreaking how these animal crackers are abused. You know most people bite their heads off first. You know it’s true! It’s horrific.”
The change to the product’s artwork will be a comfort to millions of baby boomers, many of whom only ate Barnum’s Animal Crackers during their youths out of pity. They felt they needed to mercifully put the ‘caged’ animals out of their misery. The guilt these people have lived with all these years is unspeakable.
PETA says they next plan to target Pepperidge Farm to demand they release all Goldfish Crackers into freshwater lakes and rivers around the country. “We have a team of fish freedom fighters working on that as we speak,” the spokesperson said.