SOUTH BEND – Mayor Pete Buttigieg will not have a chance to lose the presidency to Donald Trump in 2020. The first openly gay presidential candidate dropped out of the race today, after a disappointing showing in the South Carolina primary.
However, his sexual orientation had nothing to do with his downfall. “I just don’t think America is ready for another condescending prick so soon after President Obama,” Buttigieg told reporters. “President Obama always talked down to the American people. I hope to do the same from the White House some day, but the public isn’t there yet.”
Pete said it was surprising to him that Americans didn’t embrace the way he constantly hit them over the head with his heavy-handed interpretations of scripture. “I thought people would appreciate my telling them that their biblical views were wrong. Who knew?”
The mayor said his immediate plans are to continue being an insufferable, condescending prick in the background, as he tries to help whoever the eventual Democratic candidate that gets to lose to President Trump may be.
“Whether it’s Bernie, Joe, or Mike,” Pete said, “I’ll be out there. Unlikable, pompous, and robotic, like I always am. It can’t hurt, right?”