CINCINNATI (The Barbed Wire) – Lawyers representing the Planet of the Apes (POTA) filed a wrongful death lawsuit in Cincinnati this morning, charging the zoo and the parents of a boy who climbed into the gorilla exhibit with negligence and causing the unnecessary death of their friend, Harambe.
Cornelius, lawyer for POTA, said, “Our brother’s death is an outrage. The entire planet is furious with the humans whose careless actions led to Harambe’s shooting death. From the video evidence we have seen so far, it appears zoo personnel were far too trigger happy to give Harambe the chance to explain his actions first.”
Cornelius explained that 450-pound Harambe is more intelligent than most Democrats and, if allowed to communicate with a member of his own kind, or a primate hostage negotiator, he would have made his intentions clear – that he meant the little boy no harm.
Cornelius was accompanied in court by Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer, serving as an intermediary between POTA and the humans in court. “I don’t understand your logic in killing this magnificent beast without due process. I’m just a caveman. But I do know this. Harambe deserved his day in court, just like you and me. Yet no attempt was made by the humans to arrest our friend before his life was snuffed out. I ask you…….is this not the Cincinnati zoo, or is it South Side Chicago?”
The lawsuit states that POTA is seeking custody of the boy’s parents so that they may be locked up in a bamboo cage, wearing nothing more than loincloth, for no less than 25 years, and $50 million for emotional distress on behalf of the inhabitants of the POTA.