AUSTIN – The Austin Police Department has been discussing new methods of riot control with the City Council. The Council has made it clear that they want all uses of force by police to be outlawed in the near future.
The city has already demanded that police cease using beanbags as ammo during riots or protests. Jokingly, the Chief of Police suggested his officers swap beanbags for marshmallows when shooting to subdue lawbreakers.
Austin Mayor Steve Adler took the idea to council members and local leaders of the Black Lives Matter (BLM) movement. They rejected the offer immediately, saying it was because most marshmallows are white.
“Take the racial element out of the equation for a second,” Adler said. “If we agree to let officers shoot marshmallows at unruly protesters, next thing you know they’ll be shooting peeps at them. Where does it stop? Before you know it, they’ll be firing Rice Krispies treats at the mob. That’s basically like shooting beanbags again.”
Council member Kathie Tovo added, “It’s all fun and riots with marshmallows until someone loses an eye. Just like what happened with beanbags. It’s why we shot down the idea of our police switching to Nerf Guns as well.”
Mayor Adler finally expressed the Council’s vision for Austin. “Our police shouldn’t be shooting anything at our citizens, unless it’s a stern look. Maybe shouting the word ‘Hey!’ in a deep voice. I would consider anything beyond that to be excessive force.”