Push-Up Joe Wants Presidency Decided By Pectoral College

IOWA – We all know Democrats hate the Electoral College. They want mob rule. But Joe Biden believes the fairest way to settle the race for the presidency is with a push-up contest, with the winner being decided by the Pectoral College. “Look, Jack, I can do push-ups with the best of ’em. Ask Corn Pop, Squiggy, or Jelly Jam Joe from my old neighborhood,” Mr. Biden insisted. “You all may have noticed that each time I feel threatened by a question in a public setting, I always go to…

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Kamala Harris Quits Race: Without Likable Personality, I Saw No Path Forward

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CALIFORNIA – 2020 Democratic presidential hopeful Kamala Harris has quit the race. She ended her run for the White House today, saying she lacked “anything remotely resembling likability to the average American.” Harris joins an elite group of unlikable Democratic drop-outs that includes the likes of Beto, Hillary Clinton and Howard Dean. Kamala is the latest to realize that you can’t learn to be likable. You either have it or you don’t. “Apparently, not enough voters appreciated my snobby, smarter-than-thou attitude,” Kamala concluded. “People are so stupid. I guess I’ll…

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Biden ‘No Malarkey’ Tour Aims To Abolish Malarkey Wherever It’s Found

IOWA – Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden is on a mission. He wants to eradicate malarkey wherever it rears its ugly head. His ‘No Malarkey’ tour is beginning here because Iowa has seen a frightening surge in malarkey this year. “In 2019, there’s no reason America should still be fighting malarkey,” Biden told a campaign event audience. “And just because millennial whippersnappers don’t know what the hell it means, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.” Biden is promising to ramp up his gaffe machine during the week-long tour. According to his…

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Singer John Legend, Who’s Not An Oncologist, Calls Trump A Cancer

HOLLYWOOD – Singer and recent winner of the Sexiest Woke Man Alive 2019, John Legend, today labelled President Trump “a cancer that needs to be removed.” It should be noted that Legend is NOT an oncologist. Dr. Bernard Fischer, a real oncologist, disputes Legend’s diagnosis of Trump. “I can tell you without a doubt that the president is NOT a cancer. In fact, he doesn’t need to be removed from office, or anything else, really.” The Dr. continued, “I can’t ruin old songs by re-writing them to adhere to today’s…

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Impeachment Witnesses Worry Maybe They Weren’t Arrogant Enough

WASHINGTON – Now that open impeachment hearings have concluded, many of the “star” witnesses who appeared before Adam Schiff’s Quid Pro Quo Show worry that maybe they weren’t arrogant enough during their testimony. They were supposed to bring down President Trump. They failed to move the needle on public opinion in favor of impeachment, and may have done more damage to their side in the process. Each of the witnesses assured the nation that they were smarter than everyone else. That they knew better than the president when it came…

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DNA Test Confirms Baby Burisma Is Hunter Biden’s Love Child

ARKANSAS – Science has proven that Joe Biden’s son, Hunter Biden, is indeed the biological father of a baby born to an Arkansas woman. The baby was born out of wedlock. Hunter denied he was the baby daddy initially, but later agreed to a DNA test. “The first clue for us was that the baby was named Burisma,” the Arkansas mother’s attorney stated. “It’s not a very common name outside of Ukraine, you know. My client is seeking $83,000 a month, for doing nothing.” It’s unclear if the baby will…

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Democrat Eric Shartswell Crop Dusts MSNBC Studio Mid-Interview

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NEW YORK – Oopsy Poopsy! Right in the middle of an interview on MSNBC, Democratic representative Eric “Shartswell” Swalwell accidentally crop dusted the entire studio. Anchor Chris Matthews was one of the alleged victims of the incident. “While congressman Shartswell was answering, I heard this loud fart sound and then, while Eric continued speaking, I felt this breeze running up my leg!” Matthews recalled. Mr. Shartswell is denying that he was the one responsible for the trouser cough, even though his college yearbook says the future politician was voted “Most…

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Adam Schiff Adds Skullduggery, Chicanery To List Of Trump Impeachable Offenses

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WASHINGTON – On the eve of his one-man impeachment show, Democrat Adam Schiff has added several new charges to his list of what could constitute impeachable offenses committed by President Trump. In addition to collusion, extortion, conspiracy, and bribery, Schiff has added “skullduggery” and “chicanery” as behaviors that he hopes will bring down the president. Asked if he truly believed the new charges rose to the level of being impeachable, he answered, “Impeachable offenses are what I dream up and say they are.” Schiff, who prides himself on being a…

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SNL Elizabeth Warren Now Leading Real Life Elizabeth Warren In Polls

Elizabeth

NEW YORK – Though she’s actually an actress, the Saturday Night Live version of Elizabeth Warren is now out-polling the real deal. SNL star Kate McKinnon appears to be a more relatable persona than the multi-ethnic senator from Massachusetts. In fact, the SNL version has reduced the former Indian squaw’s position in national polls for the 2020 Democratic nomination so much that the real Warren has slipped to 4th or 5th place in many polls. Here are the latest Zogby, Gallup, and Real Clear Politics averaged results, as of 11/5/2019:…

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Dems Blast Trump For Killing Rather Than Impeaching Terrorist Al-Baghdadi

WASHINGTON – Impeachment fever remains high with Democrats. Even as President Trump told the world that ISIS founder Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi had his ticket to Hell punched by American forces, Democrats were unimpressed. “He didn’t need to kill the guy,” Nancy Pelosi stated. “Al-Baghdadi would have suffered a fate even worse than death if he had been impeached. You know, we could have censured him in the House or something, but killing him seems so harsh.” The Impeachment King himself, Adam Schiff, added, “Baghdadi was just trying to find his…

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