Iowa Dealing With Infestation Of 2020 Democratic Candidates

Iowa

AMES – Residents of this town and others in Iowa are currently being overrun by a swarm of 2020 Democratic presidential hopefuls. Worried residents have so far reported 19 sightings of the unwelcome varmints, and many are praying the pests move on soon before they destroy everything. Willy Turnbull, who lives in Cedar Rapids, expressed his concern. “They’re freakin’ everywhere! I saw several here yesterday. I know Democrats have that ‘hive mind’ mentality, but my skin crawls when I think about how many are concentrated in this one state at…

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New Rating Lets Moviegoers Know If Film Was Shot In Abortion-Friendly State

HOLLYWOOD – The Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) has decided to add a new classification to their film rating system to help discerning moviegoers know which films were shot in ‘abortion friendly’ states. Due to Heartbeat Bills being passed in various states that wish to restrict abortions, many actors, studios, and Hollywood activists are refusing to work in those states. The new designation will be AF – Abortion Friendly, and it joins ratings G, PG-13, R, NC-17, etc. in letting audiences know which films are “woke” and which ones…

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Mueller: Trump Did Not Not Break Law, Doesn’t Find Him Not Innocent

WASHINGTON – Special Counsel Robert “Muddy” Mueller issued a last, for now, statement on his famous report on Russian collusion and obstruction of justice by the Trump campaign. His statement today made his findings as clear as mud. Waxing on the 14th Amendment to the US Constitution, Mueller reaffirmed that, “In America, a person is presumed innocent unless I can’t not un-exonerate them. Look it up, people. I didn’t make the law up.” “Muddy” then started really making things up. “Under the 71st Amendment, the law provides for a presumption…

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Nancy Pelosi Offers Human Sacrifices To Appease Impeachment Gods

WASHINGTON – House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said today she has been praying for President Trump. Yesterday, the president walked out of a scheduled meeting on infrastructure with Pelosi and Senator Chuck Schumer after Nan accused him of covering up……….something. To appear more pious than everyone else, she told reporters that she’s praying for the president’s mental well being and revealed her conversation with the deities she worships. “I prayed to Saint Bill, the patron saint of Impeachments, to help us carry out our desires to destroy Donald Trump. I even…

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DNC Vows To Cap Number Of 2020 Candidates At 50

candidates

WASHINGTON – Saying they realize they haven’t quite checked off every identity political box that the Left has created with their candidates so far, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) has announced that they will cap the number of possible presidential candidates at 50. “Sadly, we can’t let everybody and their mother compete for a chance to beat President Trump,” DNC head Tom Perez acknowledged. “In fact, Kirsten Gillebrand asked us if she could enter her mom in the race to unseat Trump when she filed her paperwork. We had to…

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Fran Lebowitz Doesn’t Want Trump Murdered By Saudis, Just Dismembered

Lebowitz

NEW YORK – Author Fran Lebowitz, appearing on Bill Maher’s progressive talk show, wished the Saudis would kill President Trump. She hoped the Saudi family would murder him like they did that reporter, Khashoggi. Here’s Fran’s quote: “Whenever I think about this and what he really deserves, I think, we should turn him over to the Saudis, his buddies. The same Saudis who got rid of that reporter. Maybe they could do the same for him.”  However, since she’s a liberal, Lebowitz claims she was misinterpreted. “Look, I didn’t mean…

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Beto O’Rourke Blames Hispanic Privilege For 2020 Campaign Missteps

privilege

NEW YORK – 2020 presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke blamed his rich Mexican heritage and “Hispanic privilege” for his lackluster showing in the campaign so far. He acknowledged that flaunting his ethnicity was a mistake, and it made him appear to be elitist. “The photo of me looking like a white guy, but munching on a chimichanga while riding a donkey into a campaign event was not a good look for me. I think my Hispanic privilege is why I’m getting beat like a piñata in the polls.” O’Rourke is readying…

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Pelosi: U.S. In Midst Of A ‘Consticollusional Crisis’ Right Now

crisis

WASHINGTON – Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is adamant that the Trump administration has plunged the country into a ‘Consticollusional crisis’ due to the findings of the Mueller Report. In their delusional and subpoena-happy state, Democrats have actually put the U.S. in a Constitutional crisis, but that’s a story for another day. Part of the reason for the current Consticollusional crisis we find ourselves in at the moment is that Democrats insist on finding collusion where there is no collusion to be found. The other part is because Pelosi…

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Ocasio-Cortez Reveals Her Swanky DC Apartment Is Haunted

WASHINGTON – Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s life just keeps getting stranger. Now, she reveals that her fancy DC apartment is haunted. The democratic Einstein showed Instagram fans this week evidence of a monster that lives in a hole in her sink. “I’m, like, freaking out all the time when I’m here,” she whined. “My place is bougie, but it’s a house of horrors. It’s definitely haunted.” Even after having some features in her apartment identified and explained to her, the New York politician didn’t sound convinced. “They’re telling me this is…

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AG Barr Releases Soundtrack to Mueller Report For Dems Needing Context

soundtrack

WASHINGTON – Robert Mueller and leading Democrats have been whining that Attorney General William Barr’s summary of the Mueller Report didn’t properly convey the context, substance or mood of his findings. So the AG is now releasing a soundtrack to go along with the report. “I hope a little mood music helps them better understand there’s no there there,” Barr said. The Attorney General has hired famed composer Hans Zimmer to produce the score. A list of tracks on the soundtrack has been provided below: No Collusion, No Obstruction (What…

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