Satan Confirms Human Remains Found In Florida Were Murderer Brian Laundrie’s

Brian Laundrie's

HELL – In an exclusive interview with CNN’s Jim Acosta, Satan himself confirmed that human remains found this week in a Florida swamp are what used to be murderer Brian Laundrie’s earthly body. The Devil said he’d just gotten off the phone with the FBI. Acosta: So, Mr. Satan, you know for sure those bones were Brian Laundrie’s remains? Shouldn’t we wait for more tests to confirm this? Satan: Oh yeah, it’s him. I keep pretty close tabs on my people. Those are the bones I let him use while…

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WH: Supply Chain Crisis Due To Americans’ Stockpiling Ahead Of Our Next Big Blunder

stockpiling

WASHINGTON – The Biden White House is never to blame for anything. Take the ongoing supply chain crisis that is tying up cargo shipments. Stores continue to deal with empty shelves for some items. And orders for big ticket items like furniture and appliances are taking months to fulfill. At today’s press briefing to update the nation on how nothing is their fault, Jen Psaki set the record straight. A New York Times reporter asked Psaki about shipping delays for large appliances and treadmills. Why hasn’t Biden solved the problem?…

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WH On Buttigieg Paternity Leave: Pete’s Recovering From Episiotomy After Difficult Adoption

paternity

WASHINGTON – The White House acknowledged today that Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg has been on paternity leave for two months. Meanwhile, America’s logistics system is a mess, and getting worse. Biden mouthpiece Jen Psaki updated reporters today on the situation. “As many of you know, Secretary Buttigieg and his husband recently welcomed two children into their family. However, it was a difficult adoption, and that’s why Pete has been on paternity leave the past 2 months. Unfortunately, because he’s kind of a wuss, doctors had to perform an episiotomy on…

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Reporters Shout ‘President Brandon? President Brandon?!’ As He Turns Back On Questions

President Brandon

WASHINGTON – No matter the topic, the American president doesn’t care about your questions. After every speech, he tucks his tail, turns his back on reporters, and leaves the room. The prez has failed at everything he touches, except at being a coward. There, he excels. Since stupid reporters believe chants at sporting events of “F*** Joe Biden!” are really chants of “Let’s Go, Brandon!” they’ll keep the lie going. So, after his most recent speech following a devastating jobs report, reporters continued the lie. As Biden said ‘thank you’…

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Biden Proposes Raiding The Human Fund, Using Carbon Credits To Pay For Trillions In Spending

human fund

WASHINGTON – President Joe Biden, also known as ‘Go Brandon,’ is one sharp cookie. He thinks he may have found a way to get approval for his insane spending agenda – without raising taxes on citizens. He floated his idea at an event this week in Michigan. “Folks, let me tell ya. I think I’ve got this funding thing all figured out. They told me not to talk about this, but I’m so excited about it that I just have to tell you. Now, people on the other side of…

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Biden Wonders Why People So Upset About A Haitian Rodeo

Haitian rodeo

WASHINGTON – President Joke Biden seemed confused today after photos of a US Border Patrol agent wrangling a Haitian border crosser went viral. The officer is on horseback, and appears to be trying to corral a wild Haitian. “I don’t see what all the hubbub is about,” said Biden. “Looks like a good ole-fashioned Haitian rodeo to me. What’s wrong with that?” His spokesgirl Jen Psaki addressed his position to reporters. “While I, Vice President Harris, and many on the Left, are faking outrage over these images of made-up cruelty,…

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Emmy Voters Forced To Attend ‘Black Acting School’ After Whites Sweep 2021 Awards

Emmy voters

ATLANTA – A day after the 2021 Emmy Awards show, enrollment swelled at the Black Acting School here. It turns out that voters awarded white actors wins in every major category. No POC claimed any of the main acting categories. It was celebrity white privilege on display for the whole nation to see – if they had watched the show. Humiliated at their lack of diversity, all white Emmy voters (20,000+) have been auto-enrolled in Robert Townsend’s Black Acting School. Townsend started the school in 1987. The purpose is to…

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White House: Drone Attack Was Mercy Killing To Save 10 From Being Killed Later By Taliban

drone attack

WASHINGTON – Following the deaths of 13 US military members in Afghanistan, President Joke Biden needed a distraction. He needed to drone attack somebody over there – anybody. Then claim it was some really bad guys. After getting caught lying about who they killed in the drone attack, the spin was on. General Mark Milley, a self-described Paul Revere, said the attack was supposed to take out those who planned the Kabul Airport attack. Instead, Biden’s drone strike killed an aid worker and 9 others, including 7 children. “While unfortunate,…

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AOC Brings Awareness To Rashes With ‘Ax The Ich’ Dress At Met Gala

Met Gala

NEW YORK – Democrat Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) attended the Met Gala event this week. The event is a costume party/fundraiser for rich, liberal freaks and/or Democrats. Money raised benefits the Costume Institute here. AOC’s dress caused quite a stir. For some reason, the socialist politician wore a white dress with the words ‘Ax the Ich’ in red letters on her backside. Many attendees promoted various woke causes, but it was strange that Cortez chose the event to bring attention to rashes. “Nobody should have to, like, ich all the time,”…

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Blinken Says About 100 ‘As-Of-Now-Unbeheaded’ Americans Still In Afghanistan

Blinken

WASHINGTON – Antony Blinken, one of the architects of President Joke Biden’s Afghanistan debacle, testified to Congress today. The Secretary of State (SoS) hid behind a Zoom screen for the hearing, instead of appearing in person (because Covid). Under questioning from House members, Blinken spun, dodged, ignored, and deflected any criticism he faced during the appearance. When asked how many Americans are still being held hostage in Afghanistan, Blinken seemed unsure. “We believe there are roughly 100 ‘as-of-now-unbeheaded’ Americans still in the country. But what do I know? We’ve been…

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