Minneapolis Rioters: We’re Just Picking Up Our Looter Layaway Merchandise

looter layaway

MINNESOTA – They pillage and blunder when they get mad, but rioters in Minneapolis this week totally destroyed a Target Dept. store. The reason? They say they were picking up merchandise they had been keeping in the store’s “looter layaway” program. LaTonda Allen, a first-time looter from the area, said, “I’ve had my eye on this big ass TV for a long, long time now. But Target’s looter layaway policy states that merchandise can only be picked up after there’s been a crisis that can be exploited. We got that…

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#YouAintBlack? Biden Team Clarifies Comment: Meant To Say ‘You Ain’t Black Enough’

you ain't black

BIDEN’S BASEMENT – Democratic candidate for president Joe Biden opened his mouth yesterday. So Team Biden is in full damage control today. Joe let his racism spill out during an interview with Charlamagne Wishes He Was Tha God. Biden made the comment, “If you have a problem figuring out whether you’re for me or Trump, then you ain’t black.” The remark sparked a massive backlash on social media. Now, his campaign is trying to walk run the comment back. Biden adviser Symone Sanders claims Joe simply misspoke. “I asked Joe…

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Pelosi Slams ‘Morbidly Obese’ Trump, Praises ‘Former Victoria’s Secret Model’ Stacey Abrams

morbidly obese

WASHINGTON – It’s common knowledge that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi lives in her own little world. So it was no surprise this week when she slammed President Trump for being ‘morbidly obese.’ She then went on to praise the imaginary governor of Georgia, Stacey Abrams, for being the picture of good health. Abrams is being considered as a VP pick for Democrat Joe Biden. Pelosi thinks Abrams would be a fine choice for the position. “In total contrast to the president, Ms. Abrams is the epitome of fitness and good…

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Arrogant Prick Blasts Trump’s Virus Response For Not Being As Smooth As His Obamacare Website Debut

arrogant prick

WASHINGTON – During a virtual commencement speech to brainwashed students, an arrogant prick took veiled swipes at President Trump’s response to the coronavirus outbreak. “These folks in charge don’t know what they’re doing,” the arrogant prick told his audience. “Their response to the current pandemic has been weak, sloppy, and a model of inefficiency. Compare that to the flawless roll out of my Obamacare website during my first term. I, I, I, uh, I, I, uh, rest my case.” For those who might not remember, the Obamacare website launch was…

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NCAA: Gatorade Baths Out, But Players Can Dump Bucket Of Hand Sanitizer On Coaches

INDIANAPOLIS – It was fun while it lasted. Watching players on a winning team douse their coach with a huge bucket of Gatorade as time runs out is a staple in many sports. Sadly, all sports will be different when they return after the pandemic of 2020. Along with banning showers and spitting from the game, officials with the NCAA have announced some changes for the next college football season. Although Gatorade will still available for players to drink, it will be illegal for players to dump buckets of the…

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Justin Amash Sobers From 3-Week Bender, Cancels Imaginary Presidential Bid

Amash

MICHIGAN – Congressman Justin Amash has had a wild last three weeks. After beginning a 3-week long bender, he announced to the world that he was launching a bid for the presidency as a third-party candidate. Weeks later, he sobered up. “It was like a 3-week version of The Hangover movies,” a recovering Amash told reporters. “First, I was on an ego trip, then a power trip, then an acid trip, and finally I added alcohol to the mix. I’ve never been so ripped before.” Justin said as he was…

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Joe Biden Goes All In For Voting By Pony Express

HIS BASEMENT – Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden today heartily endorsed Nancy Pelosi’s proposed “cheat-by-mail” voting scam. Speaking from his basement, Joe said achieving voter fraud through the mail would be a huge boost to his party. Biden, often unsure of what year it is, said he had complete confidence in the Pony Express and their ability to deliver ballots to Washington on time. “Man, those boys can ride! And they wouldn’t stand for any hanky-panky with those ballots along the way” Democrats believe they can more easily commit voter…

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VP Pence To Head Up Murder Hornet Task Force, Dems Call Trump Bee-ist

WASHINGTON – Coronavirus is still a huge issue in our society, but America has a new foe to deal with on top of it – the Asian Murder Hornet. They’re pretty scary creatures with a painfully, toxic sting, and an appetite for destroying honeybees. But the murder hornets haven’t dealt with an enemy like Donald Trump yet. Today, the president appointed VP Mike Pence to lead a new task force against the murderous hoard of insects. And Democrats are not happy about it. “The president is doing what he did…

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Michigan Gov Whitmer Says She’ll Use Spells, Curses To Maintain Power Over Angry Peasants

Whitmer

LAND OF LANSING – Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer is not having a good lock-down. She’s been unpleasantly surprised at how the peasants have reacted to the authoritarian rule from her corrupt kingdom. She believes her power to be absolute as governor. Her legislature disagrees. In fact, not only will they not allow her edict to extend Michigan’s lock-down indefinitely, but they voted today to sue the witch for abusing her power. Currently, Queen Whitmer is trying to fend off several other Democrats around the country for the title of Worst…

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News Anchors Can’t Pronounce Name ‘Tara Reade,’ Working With Speech Therapists For Help

Tara

NEW YORK – In an incredible coincidence, all news anchors for the major networks, CNN, and MSNBC, admit they’re unable to pronounce the name ‘Tara Reade.’ Reade is the woman who has accused Democrat Joe Biden of sexual assault in the 1990’s. According to Media Matters, it’s some kind of fluke that Fox News anchors have no trouble pronouncing the name. “We can’t explain this one,” the Leftist news company said. They noted that neither Chuck Todd, George Stephanopoulis, Jake Tapper, Anderson Cooper, Joe Scarborough, Rachel Maddow, Lester Holt, Nora…

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