CNN Says ‘Truth Distancing’ Is What Sets Them Apart In Cable News Race

truth distancing

ATLANTA – As a practice, social distancing is a new way of life for most. CNN, on the other hand, has been distancing for decades. The lowly cable news outlet admits that ‘truth distancing’ is what has differentiated them from their competition. Network anchor Chris Cuomo said, “We’ve been ‘truth distancing’ since I was a baby. CNN didn’t used to practice that, but as more cable news channels popped up, we had to do something to stand out. Distancing ourselves from the truth is what the suits came up with,…

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Celebs Urge All Americans To ‘Shelter-In-Mansion’ Like They Do

mansion

HOLLYWOOD – Celebrities are now attempting to help public officials convince more Americans to heed their warnings to stay in their homes during the current pandemic. Numerous unwashed, and without makeup, artists are torturing Americans with homemade videos of empathy. Cher and Bette Midler urged all Americans to follow the ‘shelter-in-mansion’ orders they were given in California recently. “We can beat this,” Midler said, “If every person will just retreat to their mansion and stay there until this danger passes.” “Have your personal assistants go out for food and liquor,”…

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Corona-Styleless: Surgical Mask Fashion Runway Shows Being Cancelled

mask

NEW YORK – Another victim of the COVID-19 virus that’s affecting our world right now is the fashion industry. As most public events get cancelled, the fashion industry is forced to call off upcoming fashion runway shows. The latest casualty is the 2020 Surgical Mask Runway Show, normally held in New York City. The show features what trendy hipsters in Paris will be wearing in the surgical mask fashion category in the upcoming year. “This really sucks,” said fashion designer Ophilea Johnson. “We had some very trendy surgical mask entries…

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Leftist Nightmare: Worse To Have Chinese Virus Or Hear Someone Call It Chinese Virus?

Chinese Virus

CALIFORNIA – Progressives on the American Left are having a tough time right now. Besides a deep-down knowing that Donald Trump will be their president for four more years, this coronavirus thing is hitting them from all sides. Yesterday, the president called the coronavirus the “Chinese Virus.” The anguish on the left was immeasurable. And it unleashed a hellish conundrum for them. Is it more painful to actually contract and suffer through having the Chinese Virus…or is it much, much, much worse to hear someone call it that in person…

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Biden Floats Ferraro, Barbara Jordan, Ann Richards For VP, Ruth Bader-Ginsburg For Court

VP

WASHINGTON – Pandering for the female vote, presidential candidate Joe Biden said in tonight’s debate that he would pick a woman to be his running mate. “I don’t run as much as I used to,” Biden said, “But I’m still in great shape for a guy that doesn’t know what’s going on.” When pressed about who he was considering as a potential vice-president, should he get the nomination, Joe rattled off a few names. Biden: “Oh gosh, we have some wonderful women I would be honored to have serve as…

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AOC Slams Trump For Not Using Presidential Magic Wand Against Virus

WASHINGTON – Democrats in Congress are continuously slamming President Trump for not instantly curing the coronavirus that is plaguing mankind at the moment. Many are reminding the public that a Democrat would have already eradicated the disease, were they in the White House. Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez can’t believe the president isn’t doing more to protect Americans. “Like, it’s common knowledge that the Speaker (Pelosi) has her magic gavel. And the president has, like, this presidential magic wand. I see no evidence that he’s used it to solve this coronavirus crisis.…

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Hillary: Joe Biden Could Seal Deal With Voters By Getting Thrown Into Van

NEW YORK – Two-time presidential loser Hillary Clinton has some advice for her friend Joe Biden. Get your handlers to throw you into a waiting van. She said in an interview on CNN that getting thrown into a van was the high point of her campaign in 2016. “Sympathy can do wonders,” Clinton said, “And we Clinton’s are not the most sympathetic people. So, it’s a way of manipulating the emotions of voters. I think that’s what Joe needs to seal the deal against Bernie. And, trust me Joe, Democrats…

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Scientists: Finding Coronavirus Vaccine Easier Than Cure For Trump Derangement Syndrome

coronavirus

OMAHA – Researchers at the University of Nebraska Medical Center are confident they’ll be able to come up soon with a vaccine that will counter the coronavirus outbreak. However, those same scientists are far less optimistic about finding a cure for Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS). Initially, there was hope that whatever vaccine worked to hold the coronavirus at bay could also be infused with a broad-spectrum anti-derangement agent. Unfortunately, the TDS component has failed to show positive results in clinical trials. “I think we’ll find a suitable vaccine for the…

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Supreme Court Rules Chuck Schumer Is A Knuckle-Nuts Chode Monster For Threatening Justices

Justices

WASHINGTON – Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer is an azzhole. That’s not news. In fact, it’s been common knowledge for decades. But now, the senator has gone too far. He’s now publicly threatening conservative justices on the Supreme Court if they restrict, in any way, his party’s ability to kill babies. Schumer told a rabid crowd of pro-choice supporters that Justices Kavanaugh and Gorsuch would “pay the price” and “won’t know what hit you,” if they didn’t vote his way. That’s a threat, no matter what part of the country…

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Bloomberg Wins Then Quits: Ignores ‘As American Samoa Goes, So Goes Rest Of America’ Tradition

American Samoa

NEW YORK – Fresh off his stunning victory in the Democratic caucus in American Samoa, Michael Bloomberg shocked supporters by dropping out of the 2020 race. In doing so, he ignored the long held election creed of ‘As American Samoa goes, so goes the rest of America.’ Cable news pundits were stunned. A. B. Stoddard, of RealClearPolitics, said, “Everyone in punditry understands that our culture and politics flows downstream from American Samoa. Bloomberg’s people had to have known that. Why he would quit after winning delegate-rich Samoa is beyond me.”…

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