More Doctors Recommend ‘Watching Biden Address Congress’ Over Ambien For Insomnia

ATLANTA – In a new study, 4 out of 5 doctors now recommend ‘watching Joe Biden address Congress’ as the best cure for sleeplessness. The recommendations have even overtaken popular sleep aids like Ambien. Biden has been spending like a drunken sailor since he became president, vowing to solve every problem by throwing money at it. Insiders say Joe is trying to see how many generations’ futures he can piss away before Kamala takes over for him. Dr. Stanley Evans said, “The president has an uncanny ability to be both…

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Chicago To Test BLM-Approved Call In System For Cops Before Engaging Criminals

cops

CHICAGO – Mayor Lori Lightfoot is not only reimagining the police. She’s reimagining reality. The city is planning to try out a new phone-in system for its city’s cops to call for permission before pursuing bad guys. Black Lives Matter has approved the program. According to a press release, police would call a supervisor, lay out the sitch as quickly as possible, then wait for approval from a supervisor. Here’s an example of the way the program would work: Bad guy has a weapon and is threatening someone. Cops arrive…

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Joe Biden Signs Exec Order Barring Ghosts From Owning Guns

WASHINGTON – President Joe Biden today signed an executive order effectively banning any ghost from owning a gun. During his speech, he said there is an epidemic of gun violence, and laid the blame at the feet of the paranormal. “We can all agree that ghosts are scary,” the president announced. “And we can all agree that guns are scary. But the only thing scarier is a ghost with a gun. So today, I am signing an EO that will target the sales of ghost guns. My action will make…

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Democrats Slam Voter Integrity Laws Because Of The Integrity Part

GEORGIA – Democrats in Hollywood and on Capitol Hill are blasting the recently passed Voter Integrity Law as racist. The new law is designed to combat voter fraud and require ID’s to legally vote. Leftists hate that. Professional bimbo Chelsea Handler cried out, “Those right-wing bastards just want to bar minorities from voting! I swear I’ll never have sex again on Georgia soil! Aaaahhhhhhh!” Democrat Senator Chuck Schumer expressed his displeasure with the law this way: “I first had to look up what ‘integrity’ means. It says ‘adhering to a…

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Biden Puts Kamala Harris In Charge Of Screwing Up Border Crisis Even More

border crisis

WASHINGTON – VP Kamala Harris has been given her first major assignment in what will be a long list of future failures. Joe Biden today tapped Harris to be in charge of further screwing up his ongoing border/immigration crisis. “If anybody can make a bigger cluster out of our current border situation, it’s Kamala,” Biden told reporters. “I’ve already laid the ground work for totally screwing the pooch on our immigration problem, and nobody knows more about things getting laid than she does. I have full confidence in her ability…

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Biden Admin Insists Kids At Border Being Kept In ‘Tiny Cells’ Not ‘Cages’

cages

LAREDO – Administration officials took issue today with Republican lawmakers over the way they are handling the Biden border crisis. They insist that unaccompanied children are not being held in cages. “We are currently housing these undocumented children in ‘tiny cells,’ not ‘cages,’” Biden spokeshuman Jen Psaki told reporters. “The term cages is disingenuous, and should only be used to falsely accuse a Republican president with being barbaric and uncaring. We prefer the term tiny cells.” “Look, people love those tiny homes. You know, the ones they show on HGTV?…

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Gov. Cuomo Asking Public For Ideas On New Excuses He Can Use

Andrew Cuomo

NEW YORK – New York Governor Andrew Cuomo doesn’t think he’s ever to blame for any of his bad governance. Typical leftist elite. But nursing home deaths, hiding damaging data, and multiple sexual harassment charges are piling up, making it harder for the guv to ignore. So far, Cuomo has blamed Trump, federal guidelines, lying women, and Trump again for his repeated failures. He’s starting to run out of excuses. Now, the governor is asking for the public’s help in coming up with new excuses he can use to save…

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Heads Of ERCOT Explain Their Incompetence During Texas Freeze

ERCOT

TEXAS – Two top officials with ERCOT (Electric Reliability Council of Texas) have tried to explain how they failed Texans during the recent Great Freeze. Millions were without power and/or water for days during the storm. Lives were lost due to their incompetence. Board members Beavis & Butt-Head, both of whom live outside of Texas, held a press conference to defend their actions. Mr. Anderson, a member of the ERCOT’s Executive Team, also answered for his failures. Beavis: Huh, huh, he said member. Butt-Head: Uhhhhh, mem-ber of Excuses Team…oh yeah,…

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Biden: Texans Can Achieve Unity By Huddling Together For Warmth

WASHINGTON – President Joe Biden always says he’s going to bring America together. The so-called Great Healing. He has no ideas on how to make that a reality, but that never matters. But as millions of Texans shiver through another frigid day without power and water, Biden sees an angle. He says that Texans being forced to huddle together just to keep warm is promoting unity. “When you’re freezing your balls off, you don’t care if the people next to you, keeping you warm, are Republicans or Democrats,” Joe told…

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ACQUITTED! 7 GOP Senators Given ‘Insurrection: Traitor Edition’ Board Game Instead

insurrection

WASHINGTON – President Trump has been acquitted of inciting the Jan. 6 riots on Capitol Hill. The sham impeachment trial is over. The waste of Americans’ time is over. But some politicians won’t be going home empty-handed. Seven Republican senators voted to convict Trump, along with every Democrat. At least these ‘Sappy 7’ GOP turncoats will be taking home the ‘Trump Insurrection: Traitor Edition‘ board game as a consolation prize. Senator Chuck Schumer said after the acquittal, “We want to thank these seven senators for playing. Obviously, we’re disappointed that…

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