CNN: Authorities Intercept Package Of ‘Mostly Peaceful’ Ricin Meant For Trump

package

NEW YORK – It was learned on Saturday that a package addressed to President Trump earlier in the week contained the toxic poison ricin. Fortunately, law enforcement agents intercepted the package before it reached the White House. While the poison can be deadly to humans, even in the smallest amounts, CNN is reporting that the ricin has been tested and was deemed to be ‘mostly peaceful.’ Mostly peaceful ricin is apparently a new strain of the poison. So new, in fact, that law enforcement didn’t know about it. “This is…

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GOP Will Need These Democrat Senators On Their Side To Replace RBG

RBG

WASHINGTON – Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg (RBG) is dead and the battle is on for her replacement. Democrats want to wait until after the November election. Republicans don’t. Senator Mitt Romney (D-Utah) explained his dilemma on a possible RBG replacement vote before the election. “Hey, it doesn’t matter to me. I hate the president so much that I’d vote ‘NO’ whenever the vote takes place. And even though the future of our country hangs in the balance, don’t you think civility is more important? I can’t imagine angering…

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California Gov Touts ‘Apocalyptic Camping’ Industry: Fun For The Whole Family

CALIFORNIA – The Golden State is becoming known as The Stop, Drop & Roll State. So, as wildfires choke the West Coast with smoke, the governor is touting a new industry. Apocalyptic camping. Governor Gavin Newsom starred in a new ad campaign this week, encouraging tourism from those seeking a depressing, bleak, and unhealthy way to get away from it all. “Where else can you lay under orangy skies without dropping acid first?” Newsom mentioned some of the benefits of apocalyptic camping. “You don’t have to worry about wildlife. I…

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Hypocrisy: Media Silent When Kamala Called Fallen Vets ‘Jive Turkeys and Suckas’

suckas

WASHINGTON – Donald Trump is being crucified in the media for a story based on anonymous sources. According to a reporter at The Atlantic, the president referred to fallen soldiers as “losers and suckers.” Supporters in his administration have come forward denying he ever said such a thing. However, the guilty narrative exposes yet another double standard from the mainstream media. They feign outrage over Trump’s supposed remarks, but said nothing when Democrat Kamala Harris “reportedly” said basically the same thing years ago. As a DA in California during the…

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Nike Debuts ‘Molotov’ Shoe Line For Antifa/BLM In Portland

molotov

VENTURA PARK – ‘Just Burn It.’ It’s a tagline all rioters are familiar with. To honor them, Nike just unveiled their new line of shoes for Antifa and Black Lives Matters protesters. The Nike MolotovĀ®. “It’s a very exciting line for the company,” Nike spokesman Colin Kaepernick announced. “If you’re trying to tear down America, it’s important to have the right shoe as your foundation. I believe the Nike Molotov is a game-changer in the riot wear industry.” A Nike model showed off the new shoe on the 100th night…

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Nancy Pelosi Uncovers Massive Underground Hair Salon Racket

hair salon

SAN FRANCISCO – As if 2020 couldn’t get any more bizarre, now Nancy Pelosi has uncovered a massive, underground hair salon racket that few Americans are aware of. And despite Pelosi’s discovery, there’s no telling how deep this salon set-up goes. The Speaker of the House claims she was lured into a San Francisco hair salon under false pretenses that she was above the law. You see, hair salons were closed down at the time due to the current coronavirus pandemic. “I suspect this goes all the way up to…

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Antifa, BLM Now Offering Foes Free Escorts To Parking Lots, Hotels

Rand

WASHINGTON D.C. – Thanks to Antifa and Black Lives Matter (BLM), protesters have a horrible public image. To counter this, the groups have started offering free escorts to their political enemies when they’re out in public. The escorts will be providing members of the American right with free harassment, verbal assaults, physical intimidation, and possible bloodshed as they try to get to their cars or hotels safely. Senator Rand Paul recently tried out the service while out with his wife. “I had no idea they were offering this level of…

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Biden Addresses Riots After Just Hearing About Them From CNN’s Don Lemon

riots

DELAWARE – THIS…is CNN. The network broke news to Democrats last night of the riots, looting, and violence taking place across the country. The anti-police violence in Portland, Seattle, Austin, Chicago, and other cities has been happening for three months already. Now, add Kenosha, Wisconsin. CNN’s Don Lemon broke the news to Democrat Joe Biden. “Our focus groups tell us that a majority of Americans can see with their own eyes what we choose to ignore. Apparently, nightly riots that have resulted in bloodshed, death, and the burning down of…

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Kamala Harris Hosts DNC Hollywood Squares, ‘Deranged Democrat’ Edition

DELAWARE – To liven up a boring Democratic National Convention, VP-nominee Kamala Harris hosted a version of the iconic Hollywood Squares game show last night. It’s been dubbed the ‘Deranged Democrat‘ edition of the show. As host, Harris asked deranged Democrats various questions about what makes America such a terrible place. Contestants pressed a button that illuminated their square with a colored circle, the color depending on the order they buzzed in. The enthusiasm was so weak for the show that some of the contestants were duplicated to fill out…

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