Nancy Pelosi Offers Human Sacrifices To Appease Impeachment Gods

WASHINGTON – House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said today she has been praying for President Trump. Yesterday, the president walked out of a scheduled meeting on infrastructure with Pelosi and Senator Chuck Schumer after Nan accused him of covering up……….something. To appear more pious than everyone else, she told reporters that she’s praying for the president’s mental well being and revealed her conversation with the deities she worships. “I prayed to Saint Bill, the patron saint of Impeachments, to help us carry out our desires to destroy Donald Trump. I even…

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DNC Vows To Cap Number Of 2020 Candidates At 50

candidates

WASHINGTON – Saying they realize they haven’t quite checked off every identity political box that the Left has created with their candidates so far, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) has announced that they will cap the number of possible presidential candidates at 50. “Sadly, we can’t let everybody and their mother compete for a chance to beat President Trump,” DNC head Tom Perez acknowledged. “In fact, Kirsten Gillebrand asked us if she could enter her mom in the race to unseat Trump when she filed her paperwork. We had to…

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Fran Lebowitz Doesn’t Want Trump Murdered By Saudis, Just Dismembered

Lebowitz

NEW YORK – Author Fran Lebowitz, appearing on Bill Maher’s progressive talk show, wished the Saudis would kill President Trump. She hoped the Saudi family would murder him like they did that reporter, Khashoggi. Here’s Fran’s quote: “Whenever I think about this and what he really deserves, I think, we should turn him over to the Saudis, his buddies. The same Saudis who got rid of that reporter. Maybe they could do the same for him.”  However, since she’s a liberal, Lebowitz claims she was misinterpreted. “Look, I didn’t mean…

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Beto O’Rourke Blames Hispanic Privilege For 2020 Campaign Missteps

privilege

NEW YORK – 2020 presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke blamed his rich Mexican heritage and “Hispanic privilege” for his lackluster showing in the campaign so far. He acknowledged that flaunting his ethnicity was a mistake, and it made him appear to be elitist. “The photo of me looking like a white guy, but munching on a chimichanga while riding a donkey into a campaign event was not a good look for me. I think my Hispanic privilege is why I’m getting beat like a piñata in the polls.” O’Rourke is readying…

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Pelosi: U.S. In Midst Of A ‘Consticollusional Crisis’ Right Now

crisis

WASHINGTON – Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is adamant that the Trump administration has plunged the country into a ‘Consticollusional crisis’ due to the findings of the Mueller Report. In their delusional and subpoena-happy state, Democrats have actually put the U.S. in a Constitutional crisis, but that’s a story for another day. Part of the reason for the current Consticollusional crisis we find ourselves in at the moment is that Democrats insist on finding collusion where there is no collusion to be found. The other part is because Pelosi…

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Ocasio-Cortez Reveals Her Swanky DC Apartment Is Haunted

WASHINGTON – Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s life just keeps getting stranger. Now, she reveals that her fancy DC apartment is haunted. The democratic Einstein showed Instagram fans this week evidence of a monster that lives in a hole in her sink. “I’m, like, freaking out all the time when I’m here,” she whined. “My place is bougie, but it’s a house of horrors. It’s definitely haunted.” Even after having some features in her apartment identified and explained to her, the New York politician didn’t sound convinced. “They’re telling me this is…

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AG Barr Releases Soundtrack to Mueller Report For Dems Needing Context

soundtrack

WASHINGTON – Robert Mueller and leading Democrats have been whining that Attorney General William Barr’s summary of the Mueller Report didn’t properly convey the context, substance or mood of his findings. So the AG is now releasing a soundtrack to go along with the report. “I hope a little mood music helps them better understand there’s no there there,” Barr said. The Attorney General has hired famed composer Hans Zimmer to produce the score. A list of tracks on the soundtrack has been provided below: No Collusion, No Obstruction (What…

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Maxine Waters Impeaches Nanny, Hairstylist, Gardener All In Same Week

CALIFORNIA – Congresswoman Maxine Waters (Deranged-CA) has a one track mind that only leads to impeachment. She’s consumed by it. So much so that just in the last week, she’s impeached her own nanny, hairstylist, and gardener. The workers were caught off guard by the move. “She just walks around muttering ‘Impeach 45,’ ‘Must impeach!’ or ‘I’ll impeach all you bastards!’ whenever she’s here at the house,” the nanny said, speaking in broken English. “Last weekend, she had insomnia. I heard her counting impeachments to try to fall asleep. I…

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Carbon Dating Confirms 2020 Democrat Front-runners Are Ancient

carbon

WASHINGTON – We knew they were old. Now, science has confirmed it. Following carbon dating on Democrat presidential hopefuls Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders, the 2020 front-runners are indeed from a bygone era. Measuring carbon isotopes from the political fossils, scientists determined Biden and Sanders date back to between the late Cenozoic period and the #MeToo era. This geo-political period was known as a time when most creatures were not yet “woke.” The results of the tests reinforces the notion that the two men are ancient in the minds of…

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Bernie: Boston Bomber’s Brother Should Be Allowed To Vote From Hell

boston bomber

NEW YORK – During a CNN town hall event on Monday, Democrats’ favorite socialist, Bernie Sanders, said the Boston Bomber should be given the right to vote for his party from prison. Several other 2020 candidates seemed to be in agreement with the proposal. When asked if felons like the Boston Marathon Bomber should be given back their right to vote, Sanders answered, “I do believe the one brother should be allowed to vote from his cell, and his dead brother should be allowed to vote from Hell.” Bernie’s base…

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