Jen Psaki Issues Preferred Descriptors For Those Stranded In Afghanistan

stranded

WASHINGTON – Biden spokesgal Jen Psaki takes issue with the term “stranded” when it comes to Americans stranded in Afghanistan. Because being stranded is not nearly as scary if you don’t define yourself as stranded. Personally, Psaki’s preferred descriptor is “hopelessly delayed.” When those at the Kabul Airport heard this news, they were relieved. Many were said to be less fearful of a torturous death at the hands of the “Tollybon” after hearing Psaki’s new definitions. Jen got her panties twisted when FNC’s Peter Doocy called stranded Americans ‘stranded.’ “These…

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Biden Heads Home To Head Off Taliban Takeover Of Delaware

Taliban takeover

WILMINGTON – President Joke Biden announced today that intelligence officials informed him Taliban fighters are overrunning the state of Delaware. Hearing the news, the president left DC for the state as soon as he finished briefing the country on the mess in Afghanistan. “Those who are saying I’m returning to Delaware for vacation don’t get the intel briefings I get,” Biden angrily told reporters. “I understand these are difficult times in Afghanistan. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow the Tollybon to take Dover! Let’s go, we’re burning…

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Joke Biden Thankful No One Has Questions About His Handling Of Afghanistan Crisis

Afghanistan crisis

WASHINGTON – US President Joke Biden is a grateful man this week. During an interview with George Stephanopoulos, the president reflected on some of the things that surprised him this past week. “George, I was surprised to learn the Tollybon were still a thing in Afghanistan. I was surprised that some think I’m responsible for people who live in that god-forsaken land. But what surprised me the most, is that no one has had any questions for me regarding this whole Afghanistan crisis. I mean, you’re the first one to…

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Kamala Harris Returns After Presenting Keys To Afghanistan To Taliban Leaders

keys to Afghanistan

WASHINGTON – Vice President Kamala Harris triumphantly returned from Afghanistan today, where she presented the keys to the country to leaders of the Taliban. The informal ceremony is being hailed as another foreign policy victory by spokesgal Jen Psaki. “Last night, VP Harris tossed oversized keys from a low-flying aircraft as it flew over a complex housing Taliban leadership. The large keys are merely a symbol and will not fit any actual locks anywhere in Afghanistan. I want to make that very clear to media outlets, just so there is…

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Andrew Cuomo: Don’t Want To Live In World Where Random Groping Is Not Appreciated

NEW YORK – Governor Andrew Cuomo has had enough. Enough with having to try to live in a normal society. Enough with chicks not understanding how wonderful he is. And enough of women not appreciating his random groping. So, he’s quitting as governor. He told his subjects: “I love my state. I love the people of New York. And by love, I mean I want to have sex with them. But if this is now going to be a world where random groping is frowned upon…that’s a society I don’t…

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CNN’s Chris Cuomo Insists He Doesn’t Have Any Brothers

Cuomo brothers

NEW YORK – CNN anchor Chris “Fredo” Cuomo has become tangled in scandal. The cocky TV host has been tied to brother Andrew Cuomo’s sex scandal. However, in typical CNN spin fashion, Chris now claims that he’s never had any brothers. Talking to the only ‘brother’ he claims to be close to, anchor Don Lemon, Cuomo said, “Don, you know me. We go way back. I’ve always had your back, no matter how bizarre or racist your takes have always been, haven’t I?” “Yes you have, brother,” Lemon responded. “People…

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Andrew Cuomo Sorry All Women Don’t Realize He’s God’s Gift To Them

NEW YORK – Governor Andrew Cuomo is very sorry he’s having to defend himself. He’s sorry that random groping, kissing and touching are frowned upon in today’s society. But he’s sorry most of all that all women don’t realize that he’s God’s gift to them. In a very. Slow and. Monotone voice, he defended himself against sexual abuse allegations made by 11 women who’ve worked for him. Reading from a prepared statement, Cuomo said, “I don’t understand….how these women…don’t get what a big deal…I am. Being groped, fondled, or kissed…

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Democrats Becoming Rabid ‘Un-Vaxists’ Founder Of Unvaccinated Lives Matter Claims

un-vaxists

WASHINGTON – Yesterday, Joe Biden showed the country his disdain for the unvaccinated. In fact, Democrats everywhere have started exhibiting “un-vaxism” in alarming numbers. Un-vaxism is defined as ‘prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism toward a person who has chosen not to receive the covid-19 vaccine.’ Harvey Riddell, founder of Unvaccinated Lives Matter (ULM) explained the climate toward the jab-resistant. “The level of hatred from Democrats toward people who are unvaccinated is frightening. They treat us as less than human. They want to take away our rights. We call it un-vaxism, and…

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At Last Minute, Biden Nixes ‘Get The Shot Or Get Shot’ Vaccine Program

get the shot

WASHINGTON – Americans may have just dodged a bullet. President Biden decided against a vaccine program his people wanted, and he made the decision just before delivering a pleading speech to the masses. According to spokesgal Jen Psaki, “The president decided not to move forward with a ‘Get the Shot or Get Shot’ vaccine program that many of us wanted. A majority in the White House believe the unvaccinated deserve a choice. Get the shot….or eat lead. That’s pretty straightforward. We think most would choose Pfizer over Smith & Wesson.…

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Rare Sighting Of Weeping RINO Filmed In Its Natural Habitat During Jan. 6th Hearing

weeping RINO

WASHINGTON – Video emerged today of a “weeping RINO” during Nancy Pelosi’s stage play titled The Jan. 6th Commission: Insurrection!  The footage showed a pathetic RINO, in its natural habitat, tearing up as it encountered Capitol Police actors. The performance was beyond cringe-worthy. As the RINO addressed the coached actors, it began to cry as if on cue. Some viewers bought the performance, however. The eyes of numerous Democrat viewers welled up at the sight of the weeping RINO. They were obviously moved. The play was set in a swamp.…

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