PORTLAND – Members of the local antifa chapter raged again this weekend, but for a different reason than the previous 70 nights. One of their own forgot to bring the makings for s’mores to their overnight temper tantrum, setting off a firestorm of violence outside the city’s Police Department.
“How can we keep up our energy to riot without marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers? There’s no way!” shouted a leader of the group. “We’ve got these wonderful fires going….but nothing to make s’mores with?! So we’re just standing around these fires. Do you realize how stupid this makes us look?!”
As concrete chunks flew through the air behind him, the leader seemed angrier by the minute. “Tonight was Terrance’s job to bring the s’mores. We have this raging dumpster fire going, but no s’mores. Freakin’ ridiculous. We’re going to beat this out of Terrance’s a$$ next time he shows up here.”
Terrance is currently laying low. Another antifa member, Marcus, was pulled off of his ‘pointing lasers at helicopter pilots’ post to make an emergency s’mores run to a 24-hour Wal-Mart.
Terrance’s mom tried to cover for her son. “He’s really a sweet boy. He fell asleep in his room playing video games. That’s all. He didn’t do anything malicious to his angry friends. In fact, it’s probably my fault. He told me to buy the ingredients at the store today, but I forgot. I hope his anarchist friends will forgive me.”
Two hours later, members of antifa had set Terrance’s house on fire. And they were making s’mores as they watched it burn. Terrance’s mother watched with the crowd as her home went up in flames. “Kids,” she shrugged. “What are you gonna do?”