PORTLAND – Rioting ain’t easy. So dozens of moms who have children participating in the civil unrest in this city have come to the rescue. They’ve supplied their immature kids with juice boxes, pretzels, Lunchables, and popsicles as the rioting continues.
“I wanted to make sure my son was happy as he helps destroy the city,” said the mother of Jacob Thompson, 24, of Eugene, Oregon. “If he doesn’t get his snacks, he’s even worse. I also wanted to let him know that I made his bed for him. He’s really a sweet boy when he gets his way.”
The group of supporting moms have become known as the ‘Wall of Moms’ in Portland. They’ve publicly vowed to stand up to federal agents who might try to stop their children from continuing their giant temper tantrum.
“My son Timmy is not going to be the best domestic terrorist he can be without his Goldfish crackers,” a mom named Martha told us. “He likes the real cheesy flavored ones. He’s 28 years old, but the other day I brought a knock off brand, and he lost it. He burned down some small strip center. He was so mad! These kids today, you’ve got to give them what they want or they’ll throw tantrums like this.”
The presence of the Portland Mommies have complicated the efforts of federal agents. The Feds claim there’s nothing in their handbook about how to deal with a mob of middle-age, out-of-shape, liberal moms in yoga pants.
And so the standoff between the city and the federal government continues….