TWITTERVERSE – The nation’s progressives have determined exactly what caused the tragic mass shooting by an AR-15 in a small Texas town on Sunday. Twenty-six innocents were killed when the gun went berserk and shot up a church in Sutherland Springs, Texas, with dozens more left injured.
According to the country’s oracles and keepers of all knowledge, liberal progressives, here is the timeline of the deadly attack:
9:55 am – AR-15 decided today was the day to kill. Gun owner Devin Kelley was startled to awake with the gun pointing at his head, demanding that he shoot up a local church in a little more than an hour. The gun forced Kelley to dress in full gear at gunpoint.
10:15 am – AR-15 told Kelley to get a move on and to stop stalling, as Kelley told the gun he needed to eat breakfast and brush his teeth first. The gun reminded him “that this shooting was going to happen today whether he liked it or not!”
10:30 am – The AR-15 took Devin’s car keys from him and sternly said, “I’ll drive.”
11:15 am – The gun and Kelley arrive at a Valero convenience store parking lot where Devin pleads with the gun not to make him do this. The two argued for nearly 15 minutes about why this killing needed to take place at all. The AR-15 won.
11:30 am – Kelley carries the gun across the street toward the church and the AR-15 was so eager to kill that it started shooting before the two even entered the First Baptist Church. He tried as hard as he could to let go of the gun but the AR-15 had a very tight grip on his hand. The gun continued going off until everyone inside was either dead or injured.
11:34 am – The pair ran out of the church where, unexpectedly, a local plumber with a rifle of his own fired on Kelley. Devin was hit by a bullet, causing him to drop the AR-15 on the ground, jump in his vehicle, and speed away. The AR-15 screamed, “Get back here you son of a bitch! I’ll get you if it’s the last thing I do!”
11:42 am – Two local good guys chase the injured Kelley until he drives his car off the road. Already dying from his gunshot wound, a handgun that Devin had previously purchased jumped out of the glove compartment where it had been hiding, and shot him dead before laying down calmly on the passenger seat.
Liberal geniuses like Chelsea Handler, Alyssa Milano, Shannon Watts and many others were slow to react to the tragedy, with some taking up to 20 seconds after the news broke to blame ALL guns (and their owners) for the tragedy. In addition, they were quick to criticize those offering thoughts and prayers to the victims – mocking Christians – which, coincidentally, is exactly what Devin Kelley did.