Push-Up Joe Wants Presidency Decided By Pectoral College

IOWA – We all know Democrats hate the Electoral College. They want mob rule. But Joe Biden believes the fairest way to settle the race for the presidency is with a push-up contest, with the winner being decided by the Pectoral College.

“Look, Jack, I can do push-ups with the best of ’em. Ask Corn Pop, Squiggy, or Jelly Jam Joe from my old neighborhood,” Mr. Biden insisted. “You all may have noticed that each time I feel threatened by a question in a public setting, I always go to my push-up challenge. There’s a reason for that.

“I believe the presidency should be decided by the Pectoral College,” Joe continued. “Our Founding Fathers spoke of the Pectoral College in the Constitution, but it’s hard to make it out because their writing was so swirly back then. Trust me, it’s in there.”

Biden went on to explain that most of the defining moments in American politics were decided by the little-known Pectoral College. He cited the push-up contest between incumbent Teddy Roosevelt and Alton B. Parker in the election of 1904. Roosevelt banged out 72 push-ups to Parker’s 51. The Pectoral College later certified the results and Roosevelt began his second term in office.

“I’ll take all comers,” Biden proclaimed. “I’ll do more push-ups than any fat voter or President Trump. And I’ll guarantee you I can do more of them than Mayor Pete. Let’s do this. Come on, man!”

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