Robert Mueller: Happiness Is DC In My Purview Mirror


WASHINGTON – He couldn’t remember his way back home, but former special counsel Robert Mueller couldn’t get out of town fast enough after his testimony on Capitol Hill today. “I’m just happy to get this place in my purview mirror,” he said.

Mr. Mueller bumbled and stumbled his way through questions about his findings into whether President Trump won the election in 2016 fair and square. “I can’t say if he did or he didn’t, but I seem to recall that I don’t remember.” Come again?

Asked to describe how embarrassing his testimony was for Democrats, Mueller stated flatly, “I couldn’t speak to that. It’s outside my purview. By the way, I really wish I knew what ‘purview’ meant.”

He then added, “Nevertheless, anything else I could add to the questions I answered today would be uninformed speculation – much like my entire report.”

Continuing his drive toward where he thinks he lives, Mueller adjusted his purview mirror one last time, then exonerated two police officers who he passed. He handed out a 5 spot to a homeless man on the corner at an intersection, but he did not exonerate the man.

Apparently, exonerating people is one of Mueller’s superpowers. Must be in his purview.


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