HELL – In an exclusive interview with CNN’s Jim Acosta, Satan himself confirmed that human remains found this week in a Florida swamp are what used to be murderer Brian Laundrie’s earthly body. The Devil said he’d just gotten off the phone with the FBI.
Acosta: So, Mr. Satan, you know for sure those bones were Brian Laundrie’s remains? Shouldn’t we wait for more tests to confirm this?
Satan: Oh yeah, it’s him. I keep pretty close tabs on my people. Those are the bones I let him use while he carried out my evil wishes. I told your FBI they could keep the bones. I was only interested in his soul. I’ve got that. Mission accomplished.
Acosta: Brian’s already here, then?
Satan: He’s been here a few weeks. He’s already made himself as comfortable as one can in this place. I told him his first job is to prepare rooms for his parents. I haven’t decided on their arrival dates yet, but they’ll be checking in someday. You can quote me on that.
Acosta: Will Brian have any chance to apologize to Gabby for what he did to her?
Satan: No way. He gave up any chance of that when he wrapped his hands around her neck. They’ll never see each other again.
Acosta: Gabby’s parents will be glad to hear that.
Satan: Give them my condolences, Jim. Are we done here? I need to get back to punishing Brian and lots of other lost souls here in the nether regions. You’ll show yourself out?
Acosta: Of course. Thank you for the interview, and I’ll see you again when my time comes.
Satan: I know you will. I’ve got a whole wing reserved just for you CNN folks!