Shoppers Enjoy Black EyeDay at Nation’s Retailers


MERICA – The annual tradition of contact shopping is in full swing (no punch intended) today, as Americans celebrate the official opening of the Christmas shopping season with Black EyeDay. Countless shoppers will be pushed, elbowed, kicked, spit on, trampled and bloodied while attempting to score a cheap TV or free blender.

Black EyeDay is the closest thing the country currently has to a Purge. It’s survival of the fittest once the doors fling open at stores the day after Thanksgiving, and psychologists say the day is essentially a way to “cull the herd,” taking out those weak shoppers who don’t have the survival skills for today’s harsh retail environment.

Veronica Stanton, a bus driver from Minneapolis, waiting for her third day in a line four-blocks long outside a Best Buy store, said, “I’ll cut a bitch if they get in my way. I ain’t messin’ around in there. They’ve got a deal where you get a Norelco nose hair trimmer for free with the purchase of any Whirlpool washing machine or dryer. My husband told me he wanted a good nose hair trimmer for Christmas, so this way we both get what we want.”

Veronica saved $75 on a HP computer monitor. “I think my injuries were worth it.”

Barney Gillespie of San Diego walked with a noticeable limp as he approached a large crowd pressing against the front doors of a local Old Navy store. “I got injured last year when I was at the front of a crowd and when they swung the doors open at 5 am, I was shoved to the floor, stomped on by the mob, and then my legs were run over repeatedly by shopping carts coming from all directions. I remember thinking, ‘This is how I end.’ So, this year I’m going to hang back a little and just hope there are some good deals left when I get in.”

Many shoppers have been training all year at martial arts studios and Crossfit centers to prepare for Black EyeDay battle. In fact, when you see someone training by lifting truck tires and flipping them over repeatedly, that person is most likely building up the muscles they would use to throw a fellow shopper through a storefront window.

Doctors also confirm that strengthening the core helps the body recover quicker from gunshot or stab wounds suffered when a fight between parents over a kid’s toy escalates quickly. Happy shopping out there!


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