NEW YORK – The CEO of Dick’s Sporting Goods announced in an interview with CNN that his company is going limp on gun sales. Network anchor Chris Cuomo remarked after the interview, “He sure said a mouthful! I haven’t given Dick’s much thought lately, but I sure will now. He told me more about Dick’s than I ever cared to know.”
Dick’s CEO Ed Stack said he thinks the store’s customer base will remain loyal despite the removal of all scary-looking guns from store shelves. “Our customers, we refer to them as ‘Dickheads,’ will continue to shop with us for all of our other great sporting goods deals.”
CNN President Jeff Zucker was pleased with the (sound) bites of Dick’s he got from the interview. “I was very satisfied afterward.”
NRA members were not happy about the move though. “I think the CEO has a problem with projectile dysfunction,” avid hunter Barry Crawford said. “I’ve shopped there many times, but after this I’m gonna be Dick’s-less. My wife’s not happy about it, but she said she understands.”
Doris Plunkett, an NRA-supporting lesbian who loves to fish, said, “You couldn’t pay me to go anywhere near Dick’s. They never did anything for me anyway.”
Regarding Dick’s, CNN’s Don Lemon proudly stated that he was now going to put his money where his mouth is.