Senate Judiciary Agrees to Ford-Kavanaugh Steel Cage Death Match

Ford

WASHINGTON – Saying it’s the only fair way to end the stalemate between Christine Blasey Ford and Judge Brett Kavanaugh, the Senate Judiciary Committee agreed to a winner-take-all steel cage death match between the two. Ford has accused Kavanaugh, a Supreme Court nominee, of getting overly frisky with her 36 years ago. Senator Chuck Grassley told reporters, “I think Brett will take her pretty early on. But to make the match fair, we’re going to allow Ms. Ford to have one of her lawyers (or Senator Dianne Feinstein) present in…

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Nike Updates Slogan, Tagline: Just Disrespect It

BEAVERTON – Nike, the Oregon-based athletic apparel and shoe giant, has decided to update its brand. The company just announced that social justice anthem-kneeler Colin Kaepernick will be the face of their 30th anniversary marketing campaign. The campaign centers on alienating millions of loyal customers by disrespecting the American flag, the national anthem, and police officers everywhere. Thus, the new slogan, “Just Disrespect It,” replaces the familiar “Just Do It” that’s known worldwide. In addition to the new slogan, Nike is using the following tagline to go along with it:…

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Dodgers Gather on Mound to Discuss Yuli Gurriel’s Cultural Gesture

HOUSTON – The Los Angeles Dodgers were thrown off their game in the third game of the 2017 World Series in Houston. After hitting a home run early in the game, Houston Astros first baseman Yuli Gurriel appeared to make what many with a delicate nature consider to be a racist gesture. Yuli pulled the skin back on the sides of his eyes with his fingers for a brief moment, making fun of the shape of Asian eyes. Soon after, Dodgers infielders met at the pitcher’s mound, gloves over mouths,…

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Colin Kaepernick: The Hillary Clinton of the Football World

NEW YORK CITY – Disgruntled kneeler, Colin Kaepernick, has become the Hillary Clinton of the National Football League. The former quarterback, just like Hillary, is on the outside looking in as the world goes on spinning without a care about them. Now, Colin is filing a grievance against NFL team owners for colluding to keep him out of football. Apparently, the team owners are the Russians, working behind the scenes to keep him off the playing field. Kaepernick is definitely working right out of Hillary’s playbook. Jerry Jones, owner of…

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Cam Newton: “It’s Funny Having Female Ask Me About Making Passes”

Cam

N CAROLINA – Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton has landed in hot water after a flippant response he gave to a feminist sports reporter. When asked by reporter Jourdan Rodrique if one of his receivers enjoyed the way he makes passes at them, Cam sheepishly laughed and said, “It’s funny to hear a female talking about me making passes.” Rodrique used the code-word “routes” in her question to Newton to “try to make it sound like I knew what I was talking about,” but Cam knew what she meant. “Does…

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Maxine Waters Says ‘Impeach 45’ Chant Was Reference to Trump’s Jersey Number

WASHINGTON – Football and politics have become insanely intertwined recently. Between all the kneel downs, put downs, first downs and race clowns, America is getting confused about what the protests from NFL players are really all about. Leave it to congresswoman Maxine Waters to clarify things for us. Waters has become known for screeching the chant “Impeach 45! Impeach 45!” at all of her speeches, directed at President Trump. But Aunt Maxie, whose antenna doesn’t pick up very many channels, if you know what we mean, is usually off the…

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Michael Moore Kneels in NFL Solidarity, 4.6 Quake Hits Michigan

NFL

MICHIGAN – Showing his solidarity with NFL social justice players, filmmaker Michael Moore took a knee today to join in protest over the national anthem controversy. Just after Moore took a knee, seismologists at the University of Michigan reported a rare 4.6 magnitude earthquake in the state. While the epicenter was determined to be in the Flint area, the quake was felt as far away as Fort Wayne, Indiana, Akron, Ohio and Houghton Lake in northern Michigan. And while Moore’s kneel down may have affected the most people, he wasn’t…

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Sports Announcer Robert Lee Forced to Surrender to ESPN

announcer

VIRGINIA – On a Civil War battlefield this afternoon, executives for left-wing sports network ESPN forced an Asian-American announcer named Robert Lee to surrender his job of broadcasting the season opener for the Virginia football team – because of his uncanny resemblance to Confederate General Robert E. Lee. The name Robert E. Lee is a known trigger for those on the left, even causing some to go into fits of rage and destroy public property. ESPN couldn’t take a chance on offending fascist, zombie snowflakes, and now the network feels…

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Black Lives Matter: “Most Racist Super Bowl Ever”

HOUSTON – Ever the ones to see race in every aspect of life, members of Black Lives Matter charged that this year’s Super Bowl was the most racist NFL championship game ever. They’re disgusted by the loss the Falcons suffered, and here’s why. Deray McKesson, a spokesperson for the group, said, “First of all, Tom Brady, and his team in white, beat the guys wearing black (helmets). That’s bad enough right there. The Patriots also know good and well that Atlanta has a high population of black brothers and sisters.…

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Seattle Federal Judge Rules Patriots Super Bowl Win Unconstitutional

SEATTLE – The celebrating by New England Patriots fans will have to be put on hold after a federal judge, and Seattle Seahawks fan, ruled that Tom Brady’s comeback victory is probably unconstitutional. Parades, parties, and cars being set on fire all over Massachusetts will have to wait for now. Judge James Robart, appointed to the bench by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, stated in his ruling, “The fact that the Atlanta Falcons held a nearly insurmountable lead well into the second half, combined with the rare overtime win by Tom…

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