Woke NFL: Players Should Raise Closed Fist When Scoring If They Want Points To Count

closed fist

NEW YORK – In a further effort to show they’ve cowed to the demands of the Black Lives Matter (BLM) movement, the NFL has suggested any player scoring a touchdown should raise a closed fist when crossing the goal line – IF they want the points to count for their team. A raised, closed fist is the accepted symbol of black power, the resistance, and wokeness. In addition to playing the Black national anthem before the first game, NFL officials want to remind fans that they can’t truly enjoy a…

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NCAA: Gatorade Baths Out, But Players Can Dump Bucket Of Hand Sanitizer On Coaches

INDIANAPOLIS – It was fun while it lasted. Watching players on a winning team douse their coach with a huge bucket of Gatorade as time runs out is a staple in many sports. Sadly, all sports will be different when they return after the pandemic of 2020. Along with banning showers and spitting from the game, officials with the NCAA have announced some changes for the next college football season. Although Gatorade will still available for players to drink, it will be illegal for players to dump buckets of the…

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MLB: Baseball May Never Return If Spitting Banned Due To COVID

NEW YORK – Word on the diamond is that Major League Baseball may never return if players are banned from spitting, due to the Covid-19 pandemic. And, let’s be honest, spitting is in the top 5 of America’s favorite past times. Representatives for the MLB Player’s Union say the game will not be the same if players aren’t allowed to spit every 15 seconds, both on the field and in the dugout. The Union is at odds with team owners, many of whom don’t have spit in the game. Due…

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NFL Denies 49er’s Request To Litter Field With Syringes, Poop, To Feel More Like Home Game

SUPER BOWL 54 – You have to hand it to the San Francisco 49er’s. They managed to win a lot of games this year, despite their home turf being littered with used drug syringes and human waste. Many football fans don’t realize that the feces problem the city itself is having doesn’t stop at the gates to Levi’s Stadium. Patrick Mahomes, quarterback for the Kansas City Chiefs, said earlier this season, “San Fran is a really disgusting place to play. It’s tough enough scrambling, trying to avoid big linemen, looking…

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After World Series, MLB Adopts ‘Open Carry’ Bat Rule For Home Runs

MLB

HOUSTON – In the wake of the Walgreen’s Nationals World Series win here, Major League Baseball (MLB) has adopted an open carry rule for batters who hit a home run. The new rule, known as the Bregman rule, will allow players to carry their bats with them all the way around the bases. Astros third-baseman Alex Bregman explained why he started the trend during the Series. “You know, I realized I can’t hit home runs without my bat, but I’m the one who gets all the applause and glory after…

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Nike Mad That Betsy Ross Left Swoosh Logo Off American Flag Design

OREGON – Nike, Inc., the American shoe giant, has pulled their 4th of July, flag-themed sneakers because the company is mad that Betsy Ross didn’t include their iconic “swoosh” on her original flag design. Nike personality Colin Kaepernick recently pointed out the diss by Ross to company officials. “Betsy Ross should have had the foresight to know Nike would dominate the shoe market in the future, should have known their logo would be a swoosh, and should have included the symbol somewhere on her first American flag,” Kaepernick explained. In…

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Matrix Directors Applaud Houston Astros’ Special Effects Team

OAKLAND – Directors of The Matrix trilogy, the Wachowski siblings, were blown away by the work of the Houston Astros special effects team for a stunt they pulled off in a game last night. The Astros were taking on the Oakland A’s when the feat took place. Astros pitcher Colin McHugh faced a hard line drive off the bat of an A’s hitter, when Astros special effects wizards sprung into action. As the baseball hurtled toward his face, McHugh says he actually saw the Matrix for a split second, and…

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Senate Judiciary Agrees to Ford-Kavanaugh Steel Cage Death Match

Ford

WASHINGTON – Saying it’s the only fair way to end the stalemate between Christine Blasey Ford and Judge Brett Kavanaugh, the Senate Judiciary Committee agreed to a winner-take-all steel cage death match between the two. Ford has accused Kavanaugh, a Supreme Court nominee, of getting overly frisky with her 36 years ago. Senator Chuck Grassley told reporters, “I think Brett will take her pretty early on. But to make the match fair, we’re going to allow Ms. Ford to have one of her lawyers (or Senator Dianne Feinstein) present in…

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Nike Updates Slogan, Tagline: Just Disrespect It

BEAVERTON – Nike, the Oregon-based athletic apparel and shoe giant, has decided to update its brand. The company just announced that social justice anthem-kneeler Colin Kaepernick will be the face of their 30th anniversary marketing campaign. The campaign centers on alienating millions of loyal customers by disrespecting the American flag, the national anthem, and police officers everywhere. Thus, the new slogan, “Just Disrespect It,” replaces the familiar “Just Do It” that’s known worldwide. In addition to the new slogan, Nike is using the following tagline to go along with it:…

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Dodgers Gather on Mound to Discuss Yuli Gurriel’s Cultural Gesture

HOUSTON – The Los Angeles Dodgers were thrown off their game in the third game of the 2017 World Series in Houston. After hitting a home run early in the game, Houston Astros first baseman Yuli Gurriel appeared to make what many with a delicate nature consider to be a racist gesture. Yuli pulled the skin back on the sides of his eyes with his fingers for a brief moment, making fun of the shape of Asian eyes. Soon after, Dodgers infielders met at the pitcher’s mound, gloves over mouths,…

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