Cam Newton: “It’s Funny Having Female Ask Me About Making Passes”

Cam

N CAROLINA – Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton has landed in hot water after a flippant response he gave to a feminist sports reporter. When asked by reporter Jourdan Rodrique if one of his receivers enjoyed the way he makes passes at them, Cam sheepishly laughed and said, “It’s funny to hear a female talking about me making passes.” Rodrique used the code-word “routes” in her question to Newton to “try to make it sound like I knew what I was talking about,” but Cam knew what she meant. “Does…

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Maxine Waters Says ‘Impeach 45’ Chant Was Reference to Trump’s Jersey Number

WASHINGTON – Football and politics have become insanely intertwined recently. Between all the kneel downs, put downs, first downs and race clowns, America is getting confused about what the protests from NFL players are really all about. Leave it to congresswoman Maxine Waters to clarify things for us. Waters has become known for screeching the chant “Impeach 45! Impeach 45!” at all of her speeches, directed at President Trump. But Aunt Maxie, whose antenna doesn’t pick up very many channels, if you know what we mean, is usually off the…

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Michael Moore Kneels in NFL Solidarity, 4.6 Quake Hits Michigan

NFL

MICHIGAN – Showing his solidarity with NFL social justice players, filmmaker Michael Moore took a knee today to join in protest over the national anthem controversy. Just after Moore took a knee, seismologists at the University of Michigan reported a rare 4.6 magnitude earthquake in the state. While the epicenter was determined to be in the Flint area, the quake was felt as far away as Fort Wayne, Indiana, Akron, Ohio and Houghton Lake in northern Michigan. And while Moore’s kneel down may have affected the most people, he wasn’t…

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Sports Announcer Robert Lee Forced to Surrender to ESPN

announcer

VIRGINIA – On a Civil War battlefield this afternoon, executives for left-wing sports network ESPN forced an Asian-American announcer named Robert Lee to surrender his job of broadcasting the season opener for the Virginia football team – because of his uncanny resemblance to Confederate General Robert E. Lee. The name Robert E. Lee is a known trigger for those on the left, even causing some to go into fits of rage and destroy public property. ESPN couldn’t take a chance on offending fascist, zombie snowflakes, and now the network feels…

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Black Lives Matter: “Most Racist Super Bowl Ever”

HOUSTON – Ever the ones to see race in every aspect of life, members of Black Lives Matter charged that this year’s Super Bowl was the most racist NFL championship game ever. They’re disgusted by the loss the Falcons suffered, and here’s why. Deray McKesson, a spokesperson for the group, said, “First of all, Tom Brady, and his team in white, beat the guys wearing black (helmets). That’s bad enough right there. The Patriots also know good and well that Atlanta has a high population of black brothers and sisters.…

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Seattle Federal Judge Rules Patriots Super Bowl Win Unconstitutional

SEATTLE – The celebrating by New England Patriots fans will have to be put on hold after a federal judge, and Seattle Seahawks fan, ruled that Tom Brady’s comeback victory is probably unconstitutional. Parades, parties, and cars being set on fire all over Massachusetts will have to wait for now. Judge James Robart, appointed to the bench by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, stated in his ruling, “The fact that the Atlanta Falcons held a nearly insurmountable lead well into the second half, combined with the rare overtime win by Tom…

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UFC Fighter Ronda Rousey: “Now I Know How Hillary Must Have Felt”

LAS VEGAS – Following her stunning defeat in the UFC 207 fight against Amanda Nunes on Friday night, former champion Ronda Rousey was shell-shocked, and skipped the post-fight media interviews. However, she did have John Podesta come out and read a statement to supporters for her. According to ESPN, Rousey said, “Tonight was truly an ass-whooping. I never saw that one coming. Reluctantly, I applaud Amanda for the superior fight she gave me. As I sit here battered and bruised, feeling punch-drunk and trying to regain my faculties, I know…

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Jill Stein Files for Recount of Heisman Trophy Voting

NEW YORK CITY – Green Party presidential candidate and professional recount activist, Dr. Jill Stein, has announced that she will be challenging the results of The Heisman Trophy race. The award, given to the nation’s top college football player, is on December 10 this year, but Stein has already announced plans to demand a recount – regardless of who the winner is. Stein, a self-styled recount justice warrior (RJW), when asked why she’s requesting the Heisman recount, answers, “What else do I have going on?” Already acting indignant about the…

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Black Lives Matter Vandalism, Kaepernick Having No Effect on Black Shootings

WASHINGTON – According to a groundbreaking new study released today by the government agency assigned to handling statistics on crime in America, vandalism by members of the Black Lives Matter movement, along with the NFL’s Colin Kaeperdick’s kneeling during the national anthem movement, blacks continue to be killed at the same rate as before said protests. Louie Papale, spokesman for the Department of Meaningless Protests (DoMP), seemed surprised by the findings. “It was not what we expected at all. You would think that an athlete refusing to stand, or even…

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49ers QB Kaepernick Explains Why He Refuses to Stand for National Anthem

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SAN FRANCISCO – San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick is facing criticism from American sports fans after he refused to stand for the national anthem before a preseason NFL game. Despite the controversy he’s caused himself, Kaepernick says he believes he’s doing the right thing and will continue to sit for the anthem going forward. However, Colin has now clarified his reason for refusing to stand. “I wanted to bring attention to what a humongous asshole I am. We’re talking world-class douchebag here. I’ve made more money playing a game…

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