Supreme Court Retirement Sends Shingles Up Chris Matthews’ Leg


MSNBC – As news of Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy’s retirement came across the MSNBC fake news desk – along with the realization that President Trump will get to pick his replacement – host Chris Matthews said he felt shingles running up his leg.

“As the reality of this moment in our nation’s history sunk in,” Matthews stated, “I felt this intense, itching rash running up my leg. It was completely different from the tingle Obama gave me. This time, there were fluid-filled blisters involved. It was disgusting.

“And the pain has been intense. It’s not as intense as my Trump Derangement Syndrome symptoms, but it’s a close second.”


Political shingles are believed to be caused by a low tolerance to losing, the inability to move on after a crushing defeat, and an undying love for anyone named Hillary. In addition to the painful itching brought on by shingles, the victim also suffers from feelings that every disappointment they experience is the apocalypse.

According to the Mayo Clinic, Matthews’s shingles are considered contagious to any viewers who suffer from a gullible immune system. This would include those who believe Trump supporters are Nazis, that a right-leaning Supreme Court will be out to punish women, or that Maxine Waters and Nancy Pelosi have a combined IQ above 50.

Matthews promises that if it looks like he’s playing with himself under his desk, he’s just really itchy. Unless he’s thinking about Obama.


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