Iowa Dealing With Infestation Of 2020 Democratic Candidates

Iowa

AMES – Residents of this town and others in Iowa are currently being overrun by a swarm of 2020 Democratic presidential hopefuls. Worried residents have so far reported 19 sightings of the unwelcome varmints, and many are praying the pests move on soon before they destroy everything. Willy Turnbull, who lives in Cedar Rapids, expressed his concern. “They’re freakin’ everywhere! I saw several here yesterday. I know Democrats have that ‘hive mind’ mentality, but my skin crawls when I think about how many are concentrated in this one state at…

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DNC Vows To Cap Number Of 2020 Candidates At 50

candidates

WASHINGTON – Saying they realize they haven’t quite checked off every identity political box that the Left has created with their candidates so far, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) has announced that they will cap the number of possible presidential candidates at 50. “Sadly, we can’t let everybody and their mother compete for a chance to beat President Trump,” DNC head Tom Perez acknowledged. “In fact, Kirsten Gillebrand asked us if she could enter her mom in the race to unseat Trump when she filed her paperwork. We had to…

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Beto O’Rourke Blames Hispanic Privilege For 2020 Campaign Missteps

privilege

NEW YORK – 2020 presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke blamed his rich Mexican heritage and “Hispanic privilege” for his lackluster showing in the campaign so far. He acknowledged that flaunting his ethnicity was a mistake, and it made him appear to be elitist. “The photo of me looking like a white guy, but munching on a chimichanga while riding a donkey into a campaign event was not a good look for me. I think my Hispanic privilege is why I’m getting beat like a piñata in the polls.” O’Rourke is readying…

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Carbon Dating Confirms 2020 Democrat Front-runners Are Ancient

carbon

WASHINGTON – We knew they were old. Now, science has confirmed it. Following carbon dating on Democrat presidential hopefuls Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders, the 2020 front-runners are indeed from a bygone era. Measuring carbon isotopes from the political fossils, scientists determined Biden and Sanders date back to between the late Cenozoic period and the #MeToo era. This geo-political period was known as a time when most creatures were not yet “woke.” The results of the tests reinforces the notion that the two men are ancient in the minds of…

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#MeToo? Joe Biden Admits Past As Shampoo Fragrance Secret Shopper

WASHINGTON – He’s having to come clean now that he’s about to run for president in 2020. Creepy Joe Biden has now admitted that repeated photos of him sniffing women’s hair was all just part of the job. “I was a shampoo fragrance secret shopper for several decades,” Biden admitted in a statement on Friday. “You can understand now why I was getting so close and handsy with all those women. But I couldn’t blow my cover. I’d lose the $100 gift certificate they gave me for each survey I…

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Elizabeth Warren Floats Reparations For Dems Traumatized By Trump

NEW HAMPSHIRE – Ancestry guru and 2020 Democratic presidential candidate, Elizabeth Warren, publicly floated the idea for reparations for the first time yesterday. At a campaign rally here, she announced that Democrats deserved reparations for the suffering they have been forced to endure during this Trump presidency. “I know the calendar says 2019,” Warren bellowed, “But for all us Democrats, we’re stuck on November 9th, 2016. The day after the greatest injustice my people have ever had to face!” Still unable to move on, SacagaWarren made her case for reparations.…

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Bernie Sanders Launches Bid To Not Be President In 2020

VERMONT – Senator Bernie Sanders announced today that he will indeed seek to not be the president in 2020. He enters a crowded field of progressives seeking the Democratic nomination in 2020, but he has more experience losing than the others. “I know I won’t win,” Sanders gruffly admitted, “But I love the attention. I want to allow all the college students to ‘Feel The Bern’ one more time and enjoy the ride. My plan has always been to announce my bid, go through the process, spend millions in other…

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Nation Mourns Jeff Flake’s ‘No To 2020 Prez Run’ Decision

flake

ARIZONA – An already divided country is reeling after former senator Jeff Flake officially announced today that he will not be running for president in 2020. Flake announced his decision as it was revealed he has taken a job with CBS News. The new position will mean Jeff will add nothing of value to the network’s offerings, which will be a continuation of his career in Congress. But how does the country move forward after such a shocking development? Millions of Americans live by the creed of WWJD (What would…

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CNN Poll: Oprah 60% Jesus 28% Trump 12% for 2020

ATLANTA – CNN sees 2020 as the second coming of Oprah for president. Even Jesus couldn’t beat her. And Trump might as well quit now. That’s the result of the network’s latest poll on possible presidential candidates for the next election cycle. Anchor Jake Tapper said CNN polled 896 random viewers of their network. The margin of error for the poll was +/- 25%. Digging through the data, some insights among those polled were discovered: Breakdown by political affiliation of those polled – 55% Democrat, 35% Independent, 10% Republican. This…

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Already 78, Certifiably Insane Maxine Waters Eyes 2020 WH Run

WASHINGTON – She’s insane, and would be in her 80’s by then, but California nutjob Maxine Waters says she’ll consider a run for the White House in 2020 – if millennials want her to. She’s heading to New Hampshire this weekend for a Democratic party event. “I think it’s important that we have someone in the White House who is already detached from reality,” Waters said. “And I will never stop calling for Trump’s impeachment. In fact, if I’m elected, I’ll impeach him myself on day one of my presidency!”…

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