Push-Up Joe Wants Presidency Decided By Pectoral College

IOWA – We all know Democrats hate the Electoral College. They want mob rule. But Joe Biden believes the fairest way to settle the race for the presidency is with a push-up contest, with the winner being decided by the Pectoral College. “Look, Jack, I can do push-ups with the best of ’em. Ask Corn Pop, Squiggy, or Jelly Jam Joe from my old neighborhood,” Mr. Biden insisted. “You all may have noticed that each time I feel threatened by a question in a public setting, I always go to…

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Kamala Harris Quits Race: Without Likable Personality, I Saw No Path Forward

likable

CALIFORNIA – 2020 Democratic presidential hopeful Kamala Harris has quit the race. She ended her run for the White House today, saying she lacked “anything remotely resembling likability to the average American.” Harris joins an elite group of unlikable Democratic drop-outs that includes the likes of Beto, Hillary Clinton and Howard Dean. Kamala is the latest to realize that you can’t learn to be likable. You either have it or you don’t. “Apparently, not enough voters appreciated my snobby, smarter-than-thou attitude,” Kamala concluded. “People are so stupid. I guess I’ll…

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Biden ‘No Malarkey’ Tour Aims To Abolish Malarkey Wherever It’s Found

IOWA – Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden is on a mission. He wants to eradicate malarkey wherever it rears its ugly head. His ‘No Malarkey’ tour is beginning here because Iowa has seen a frightening surge in malarkey this year. “In 2019, there’s no reason America should still be fighting malarkey,” Biden told a campaign event audience. “And just because millennial whippersnappers don’t know what the hell it means, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.” Biden is promising to ramp up his gaffe machine during the week-long tour. According to his…

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SNL Elizabeth Warren Now Leading Real Life Elizabeth Warren In Polls

Elizabeth

NEW YORK – Though she’s actually an actress, the Saturday Night Live version of Elizabeth Warren is now out-polling the real deal. SNL star Kate McKinnon appears to be a more relatable persona than the multi-ethnic senator from Massachusetts. In fact, the SNL version has reduced the former Indian squaw’s position in national polls for the 2020 Democratic nomination so much that the real Warren has slipped to 4th or 5th place in many polls. Here are the latest Zogby, Gallup, and Real Clear Politics averaged results, as of 11/5/2019:…

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Biden Threatens To Have Reporter Fired Within Six Hours For Ukraine Question

LOS ANGELES – While answering questions from reporters this weekend, 2020 Democratic candidate Joe Biden became irate when a question was asked about his Ukraine/Hunter Biden scandal. He immediately threatened the offending reporter with causing his employment termination within six hours if the reporter didn’t withdraw his question. A visibly pissed Biden reacted to the Ukraine question, saying, “Kiddo, I’m not gonna respond to that. Look, I make one phone call and I’ll have you fired within six hours. How dare you question my nepotism skills! You wanna walk back…

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NYT Flirts With Writing Factual Story, Won’t Commit Just Yet

NYT

NEW YORK – The New York Times, long known as “the newspaper of record (players)” in this country, is toying with the idea of using facts in their articles. The bold move is under review by upper management at press time. “Staff has been confused about this possible new approach, so we’ve brought in so-called journalistic experts to try to explain what changes this would entail,” a Times spokesman said. “I don’t know if it’ll take or not. It’s pretty drastic.” The paper has received significant backlash over its recent…

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Corn Pop And The Sugar Cereal Gang No Match For Badass Biden

DELAWARE – Joe Biden has lived quite a life in his own head. And he’s willing to share it with anyone who’s willing to listen. Finally, video has emerged that introduces America to the exploits of Badass Biden the Lifeguard and his nemesis Corn Pop and the Sugar Cereal Gang. As he tells it, Biden went all Baywatch in the early 1960’s at a community pool where he was a lifeguard. A player named Corn Pop wouldn’t obey when Joe ordered him to step off (the diving board). Words were…

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Warren Or Hillary? Debate Rages Within Dem Party Over Who Is More Shrill

WASHINGTON – What’s worse than one shrill woman (Hillary Clinton)? Two shrill women. Elizabeth Warren is that other woman. And as the 2020 Democratic primary season heats up, rumors are flying that the two shrillettes are talking together behind the scenes. After all, for Warren, who better to seek advice from than the previous loser? Liz may just be asking for advice on which states to skip during a campaign run. But who is more shrill? The question is causing deep division within the party itself. Tom Perez, head of…

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Ailing Biden Looking For Van To Fall Into To Secure Dem Nomination

WASHINGTON – Frailty seems to be an attractive trait that Democrats look for in their presidential candidates. Just like Hillary Clinton in 2016, Joe Biden is falling apart before our eyes. Still, he continues to lead in the polls for 2020. Biden sported bloody eyes during CNN’s climate fairy tale town hall this week. The Babylon Bee even reported that Biden’s head fell off during his time onstage at the event. Now, that IS embarrassing. However, he continues to lead all candidates whose heads are still attached. One Biden aide…

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Root Canal Appts Skyrocket For Same Hours As CNN Climate Change Town Hall

CHICAGO – Dentists across the nation are reporting a huge influx of appointments for root canal procedures, with patients wanting to schedule during the same 7-hour period that CNN will be broadcasting a climate change town hall. Ten 2020 Democratic presidential hopefuls will numb viewers during the event. Bruce Weaver of the American Dental Association says he’s never seen anything like this. “We’re getting reports from all over the country that dentists are receiving tons of calls for root canal procedures specifically during the CNN climate show. People have already…

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