Bernie Sanders Launches Bid To Not Be President In 2020

VERMONT – Senator Bernie Sanders announced today that he will indeed seek to not be the president in 2020. He enters a crowded field of progressives seeking the Democratic nomination in 2020, but he has more experience losing than the others. “I know I won’t win,” Sanders gruffly admitted, “But I love the attention. I want to allow all the college students to ‘Feel The Bern’ one more time and enjoy the ride. My plan has always been to announce my bid, go through the process, spend millions in other…

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Nation Mourns Jeff Flake’s ‘No To 2020 Prez Run’ Decision

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ARIZONA – An already divided country is reeling after former senator Jeff Flake officially announced today that he will not be running for president in 2020. Flake announced his decision as it was revealed he has taken a job with CBS News. The new position will mean Jeff will add nothing of value to the network’s offerings, which will be a continuation of his career in Congress. But how does the country move forward after such a shocking development? Millions of Americans live by the creed of WWJD (What would…

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CNN Poll: Oprah 60% Jesus 28% Trump 12% for 2020

ATLANTA – CNN sees 2020 as the second coming of Oprah for president. Even Jesus couldn’t beat her. And Trump might as well quit now. That’s the result of the network’s latest poll on possible presidential candidates for the next election cycle. Anchor Jake Tapper said CNN polled 896 random viewers of their network. The margin of error for the poll was +/- 25%. Digging through the data, some insights among those polled were discovered: Breakdown by political affiliation of those polled – 55% Democrat, 35% Independent, 10% Republican. This…

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Already 78, Certifiably Insane Maxine Waters Eyes 2020 WH Run

WASHINGTON – She’s insane, and would be in her 80’s by then, but California nutjob Maxine Waters says she’ll consider a run for the White House in 2020 – if millennials want her to. She’s heading to New Hampshire this weekend for a Democratic party event. “I think it’s important that we have someone in the White House who is already detached from reality,” Waters said. “And I will never stop calling for Trump’s impeachment. In fact, if I’m elected, I’ll impeach him myself on day one of my presidency!”…

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