Corn Pop And The Sugar Cereal Gang No Match For Badass Biden

DELAWARE – Joe Biden has lived quite a life in his own head. And he’s willing to share it with anyone who’s willing to listen. Finally, video has emerged that introduces America to the exploits of Badass Biden the Lifeguard and his nemesis Corn Pop and the Sugar Cereal Gang. As he tells it, Biden went all Baywatch in the early 1960’s at a community pool where he was a lifeguard. A player named Corn Pop wouldn’t obey when Joe ordered him to step off (the diving board). Words were…

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Warren Or Hillary? Debate Rages Within Dem Party Over Who Is More Shrill

WASHINGTON – What’s worse than one shrill woman (Hillary Clinton)? Two shrill women. Elizabeth Warren is that other woman. And as the 2020 Democratic primary season heats up, rumors are flying that the two shrillettes are talking together behind the scenes. After all, for Warren, who better to seek advice from than the previous loser? Liz may just be asking for advice on which states to skip during a campaign run. But who is more shrill? The question is causing deep division within the party itself. Tom Perez, head of…

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Ailing Biden Looking For Van To Fall Into To Secure Dem Nomination

WASHINGTON – Frailty seems to be an attractive trait that Democrats look for in their presidential candidates. Just like Hillary Clinton in 2016, Joe Biden is falling apart before our eyes. Still, he continues to lead in the polls for 2020. Biden sported bloody eyes during CNN’s climate fairy tale town hall this week. The Babylon Bee even reported that Biden’s head fell off during his time onstage at the event. Now, that IS embarrassing. However, he continues to lead all candidates whose heads are still attached. One Biden aide…

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Root Canal Appts Skyrocket For Same Hours As CNN Climate Change Town Hall

CHICAGO – Dentists across the nation are reporting a huge influx of appointments for root canal procedures, with patients wanting to schedule during the same 7-hour period that CNN will be broadcasting a climate change town hall. Ten 2020 Democratic presidential hopefuls will numb viewers during the event. Bruce Weaver of the American Dental Association says he’s never seen anything like this. “We’re getting reports from all over the country that dentists are receiving tons of calls for root canal procedures specifically during the CNN climate show. People have already…

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Beto Asks Supporters To Update Their Versions Of Him To 3.0

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ARKANSAS – As he made the rounds at a local gun show, Democratic presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke began the third launch of himself to potential voters. He asked all of his supporters to please update their versions of him to the newest 3.0 version. “I’m hopeful that this version will be the one people want. The previous versions of me were glitchy, slow, and annoying. We’ve finished the Beto-testing on this latest version of me and I think people will find it more up to speed,” Beto explained while waving…

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Biden Blames Trump, Bourne Supremacy For Recent Mass Shootings

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IOWA – Speaking to campaign crowds, former VP Joe Biden accused President Trump of being responsible for stoking Bourne supremacy with his rhetoric and inspiring two recent mass shootings in America. Many thought Biden meant “white supremacy” in his remarks, but this is Joe Biden we’re talking about. A reporter at the event questioned Obama’s vice president with this exchange: Reporter: Mr. Vice President, when you say ‘Bourne Supremacy’ do you mean to say ‘white supremacy?’ Biden: What did Jason Bourne do to everyone he didn’t like? Reporter: He killed…

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2020 Dems Appoint Debbie Downer As Official Campaign Mascot

MIAMI – Following the Democratic Freak Show, uh, debate, last week, the DNC has appointed Debbie Downer to be the official face of their 2020 campaign. In fact, the negativity spewed by the debate participants makes Downer sound like Tony Robbins. Yes, despite a historically low unemployment rate, a strong economy, millions of jobs created, foreign leaders taking President Trump seriously, and achieving energy independence, America really sucks. That’s the Democrats’ story and they’re sticking to it. Debbie Downer was honored by the chance to be the image of Democrats…

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Mayor Pete: I Will Wipe Out College Student Beer Debt If Elected

FLORIDA – Trying to keep up with all the ways 2020 Democratic hopefuls are promising to wipe out all uncomfortable facets of modern life, Mayor Pete Buttigieg has joined the chorus. Pete wants to pass reparations for all the money college students spent on beer and alcohol during their university days. “Look, Bernie wants to wipe out financial distress with college loan forgiveness. Kamala Harris and Squaw Warren want to wipe out racism by making reparations for slavery and the hard times the white man gave the red man. Hell,…

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Kamala Harris Promises Cure For Resting Bitch Face If Elected

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CALIFORNIA – Joe Biden promises to cure cancer. Elizabeth Warren promises to cure the scourge of her American Indian people, smallpox. Bernie Sanders vows to cure capitalism. Beto wants to cure male whiteness. Kamala Harris needed a hook. Now, she has one. “If elected, within my first term, we will rid the country of resting bitch face (RBF),” Harris matter-of-factly told a rally crowd this weekend. “I myself have suffered from that debilitating ailment all of my adult life. So I know first hand that it’s extremely difficult to fake…

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Iowa Dealing With Infestation Of 2020 Democratic Candidates

Iowa

AMES – Residents of this town and others in Iowa are currently being overrun by a swarm of 2020 Democratic presidential hopefuls. Worried residents have so far reported 19 sightings of the unwelcome varmints, and many are praying the pests move on soon before they destroy everything. Willy Turnbull, who lives in Cedar Rapids, expressed his concern. “They’re freakin’ everywhere! I saw several here yesterday. I know Democrats have that ‘hive mind’ mentality, but my skin crawls when I think about how many are concentrated in this one state at…

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