Nancy Pelosi Intros New ‘I’m Kneeling, And I Can’t Get Up!’ Life Alert System

kneeling

WASHINGTON – What do you get the aging, white, career politician in your life who needs to bend the knee to the rage mob? Do you need to take a knee to convey how woke you are? Are you begging for votes this November? Well, the Speaker of the House has just what you need. Introducing the “I’m kneeling…..and I can’t get up!” medical alert system. This week, Nancy Pelosi showed off her new product in the Pander Collection from Life Alert. The discreet device can be used to call…

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Joe Biden Tells Looter: If You Don’t Vote For Me, You Ain’t A Looter

DELAWARE – Presidential candidate Joe Biden had a “properly-distanced” heart-to-heart with a rioter in Wilmington on Sunday. To show he was down for the struggle, Biden took a knee during the convo. He listened intently as the man spoke of injustices and pain that he and many others are feeling right now. The unknown man’s son was nearby and witnessed the exchange. Looter: Hey, man, you look just like us with your mask on. You gonna loot some liquor stores with us later tonight? Biden: Not today, man. Maybe another…

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Pelosi Slams ‘Morbidly Obese’ Trump, Praises ‘Former Victoria’s Secret Model’ Stacey Abrams

morbidly obese

WASHINGTON – It’s common knowledge that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi lives in her own little world. So it was no surprise this week when she slammed President Trump for being ‘morbidly obese.’ She then went on to praise the imaginary governor of Georgia, Stacey Abrams, for being the picture of good health. Abrams is being considered as a VP pick for Democrat Joe Biden. Pelosi thinks Abrams would be a fine choice for the position. “In total contrast to the president, Ms. Abrams is the epitome of fitness and good…

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Justin Amash Sobers From 3-Week Bender, Cancels Imaginary Presidential Bid

Amash

MICHIGAN – Congressman Justin Amash has had a wild last three weeks. After beginning a 3-week long bender, he announced to the world that he was launching a bid for the presidency as a third-party candidate. Weeks later, he sobered up. “It was like a 3-week version of The Hangover movies,” a recovering Amash told reporters. “First, I was on an ego trip, then a power trip, then an acid trip, and finally I added alcohol to the mix. I’ve never been so ripped before.” Justin said as he was…

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Biden Floats Ferraro, Barbara Jordan, Ann Richards For VP, Ruth Bader-Ginsburg For Court

VP

WASHINGTON – Pandering for the female vote, presidential candidate Joe Biden said in tonight’s debate that he would pick a woman to be his running mate. “I don’t run as much as I used to,” Biden said, “But I’m still in great shape for a guy that doesn’t know what’s going on.” When pressed about who he was considering as a potential vice-president, should he get the nomination, Joe rattled off a few names. Biden: “Oh gosh, we have some wonderful women I would be honored to have serve as…

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Hillary: Joe Biden Could Seal Deal With Voters By Getting Thrown Into Van

NEW YORK – Two-time presidential loser Hillary Clinton has some advice for her friend Joe Biden. Get your handlers to throw you into a waiting van. She said in an interview on CNN that getting thrown into a van was the high point of her campaign in 2016. “Sympathy can do wonders,” Clinton said, “And we Clinton’s are not the most sympathetic people. So, it’s a way of manipulating the emotions of voters. I think that’s what Joe needs to seal the deal against Bernie. And, trust me Joe, Democrats…

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Bloomberg Wins Then Quits: Ignores ‘As American Samoa Goes, So Goes Rest Of America’ Tradition

American Samoa

NEW YORK – Fresh off his stunning victory in the Democratic caucus in American Samoa, Michael Bloomberg shocked supporters by dropping out of the 2020 race. In doing so, he ignored the long held election creed of ‘As American Samoa goes, so goes the rest of America.’ Cable news pundits were stunned. A. B. Stoddard, of RealClearPolitics, said, “Everyone in punditry understands that our culture and politics flows downstream from American Samoa. Bloomberg’s people had to have known that. Why he would quit after winning delegate-rich Samoa is beyond me.”…

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Bernie Sanders Considering Lawsuit Against TurboTax For Using Word ‘Free’ Without His Permission

CAMPAIGN TRAIL – Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders is not happy with TurboTax. The online tax prep company features commercials that have various characters reciting the phrase “Free. Free free free. Free free. Free!” This time of year, most Americans can’t escape the tedious ads for TurboTax. But Bernie considers himself the ‘King of Free.’ And he’s now considering a lawsuit against TurboTax for overusing his patented free message. “When people think of the word ‘free’ they think of Bernie Sanders. Nobody promises more things for free than me.” Sanders continued,…

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Pete Quits: America Not Ready For Condescending Prick So Soon After Obama

SOUTH BEND – Mayor Pete Buttigieg will not have a chance to lose the presidency to Donald Trump in 2020. The first openly gay presidential candidate dropped out of the race today, after a disappointing showing in the South Carolina primary. However, his sexual orientation had nothing to do with his downfall. “I just don’t think America is ready for another condescending prick so soon after President Obama,” Buttigieg told reporters. “President Obama always talked down to the American people. I hope to do the same from the White House…

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Bernie Gives ‘My Depends Were Riding Up’ Excuse For Extra Crankiness At Debate

Depends

SOUTH CAROLINA – Cable news pundits even noticed that grumpy Bernie Sanders seemed crankier than normal in the last Democratic debate. Many said he didn’t look comfortable being in the middle position on stage. Now we may know why. Sanders said in an interview with MSNBC that his Depend diaper was too snug, and it was giving him fits. “My Depends were riding up my butt crack,” he told Joe Scarborough. “It didn’t have anything to do with how I felt being attacked as the front-runner.” Bernie then decided to…

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