More Doctors Recommend ‘Watching Biden Address Congress’ Over Ambien For Insomnia

ATLANTA – In a new study, 4 out of 5 doctors now recommend ‘watching Joe Biden address Congress’ as the best cure for sleeplessness. The recommendations have even overtaken popular sleep aids like Ambien. Biden has been spending like a drunken sailor since he became president, vowing to solve every problem by throwing money at it. Insiders say Joe is trying to see how many generations’ futures he can piss away before Kamala takes over for him. Dr. Stanley Evans said, “The president has an uncanny ability to be both…

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Roseanne Lands Role In Next Planet of the Apes Reboot

LOS ANGELES – Fired sitcom actress Roseanne Barr already has an upcoming gig. The comedian had her show on ABC cancelled after going on an Ambien-fueled Twitter rant in which she referred to Obama sidekick Valerie Jarrett as the potential offspring of a Muslim Brotherhood and Planet of the Apes coupling. However, the firing of Roseanne has freed her up to accept new roles, including a lead character in the next installment of the Planet of the Apes saga. The next film, which will start pre-production in late 2018, is…

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