Dems Blast Trump For Killing Rather Than Impeaching Terrorist Al-Baghdadi

WASHINGTON – Impeachment fever remains high with Democrats. Even as President Trump told the world that ISIS founder Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi had his ticket to Hell punched by American forces, Democrats were unimpressed. “He didn’t need to kill the guy,” Nancy Pelosi stated. “Al-Baghdadi would have suffered a fate even worse than death if he had been impeached. You know, we could have censured him in the House or something, but killing him seems so harsh.” The Impeachment King himself, Adam Schiff, added, “Baghdadi was just trying to find his…

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AOC Freaks At 3:30 AM After Climate Change Alarmist Clock Goes Off At Wrong Time

alarmist

WASHINGTON – Chalk it up to user error. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) mistakenly set her alarmist clock wrong and it startled her when it went off at 3:30 am instead of the usual 6:30 am. Cortez awakens each day to a climate change alarmist clock so she can begin each day worrying about climate change. “I screwed up the alarmist setting, just like I screwed up this mac n’ cheese,” she admitted. “I should probably stay out of the kitchen and off Instagram where I post my inane videos, but I…

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New Un-American Airline To Fly America-Hating Dems To Foreign Countries

NEW YORK – President Trump is helping to fund and launch a new carrier that will predominantly relocate American-hating, progressive Democrats to other countries. The new venture will be called Un-American Airlines. Representatives AOC, Ilhan Omar, Rashida Tlaib, and Ayanna Pressley have been offered free, first-class seats on the inaugural flight later this year. Un-American Airlines will cater to those on the radical Left of today’s Democratic Party. All flights will be piloted by illegal aliens. In addition, the entire fleet of aircraft will use racism as fuel because, while…

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Trump Warns Iran: Don’t ‘Go All AOC’ On Me

go all AOC

WASHINGTON – As tensions escalate between the U.S. and Iran, President Trump issued a warning to the rogue regime’s leaders today. He sent out a tweet with stern words for Ali Khamenei, regarding the country’s threats to continue enriching uranium: “Don’t go all AOC on me.” The reference to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC), the know-it-all freshman congresswoman from New York, is gaining new acceptance. In fact, the American Psychiatric Association has recently adopted the phrase as an acceptable way to refer to a patient who is “acting insane, over-reactive, and melodramatic…

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Nancy Pelosi Offers Human Sacrifices To Appease Impeachment Gods

WASHINGTON – House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said today she has been praying for President Trump. Yesterday, the president walked out of a scheduled meeting on infrastructure with Pelosi and Senator Chuck Schumer after Nan accused him of covering up……….something. To appear more pious than everyone else, she told reporters that she’s praying for the president’s mental well being and revealed her conversation with the deities she worships. “I prayed to Saint Bill, the patron saint of Impeachments, to help us carry out our desires to destroy Donald Trump. I even…

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Ocasio-Cortez Reveals Her Swanky DC Apartment Is Haunted

WASHINGTON – Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s life just keeps getting stranger. Now, she reveals that her fancy DC apartment is haunted. The democratic Einstein showed Instagram fans this week evidence of a monster that lives in a hole in her sink. “I’m, like, freaking out all the time when I’m here,” she whined. “My place is bougie, but it’s a house of horrors. It’s definitely haunted.” Even after having some features in her apartment identified and explained to her, the New York politician didn’t sound convinced. “They’re telling me this is…

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Ocasio-Cortez: Lincoln Might Be Alive Today If US Had Gun Control In 1860’s

Lincoln

WASHINGTON – Noted historian and climate guru Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was interviewed in a town hall meeting on MSNBC recently. While rambling from issue to issue, making it up as she goes, she had a very “Cortez” take on Abraham Lincoln. “You guys, Abraham Lincoln may very well be alive today if we’d only had sensible gun control measures in effect in the 1860’s. John Wilkes Booth wouldn’t have been able to obtain his AR-15 in the first place. But, like, they didn’t even have universal background checks back then,” AOC…

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Pretend Scientist and Pretend Sane Person Meet At SXSW

AUSTIN – In a fairy tale meeting at this year’s SXSW event, a man who pretends to be a climate expert and a woman who pretends to be a sane person – as well as a climate expert – got together to showcase their stupidity. Bill Nye the Science? Guy, and socialist darling Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dazzled a SXSW crowd with apocalyptic stories about climate change and how, together, they could combine their powers to save the world. Wonder Twin powers, activate! “She blinded me with science!” Nye exclaimed after hearing…

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Democrats: Cohen Testimony Gave Us A Lot To Daydream About

WASHINGTON – Not having a firm grasp on reality anyway, congressional Democrats were satisfied with testimony they heard from former Trump lawyer Michael Cohen this week. Most agreed that his version of lies about the president “gave them a lot to daydream about.” Rashida Tlaib (D-MI) commented, “Mr. Cohen bolstered my imagined perception that the president is a racist and bigot, and that I’m not. That’s how I choose to see things. Like with the Russian collusion, just because it’s a hoax, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t make me happy…

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