Bernie Sanders Launches Bid To Not Be President In 2020

VERMONT – Senator Bernie Sanders announced today that he will indeed seek to not be the president in 2020. He enters a crowded field of progressives seeking the Democratic nomination in 2020, but he has more experience losing than the others. “I know I won’t win,” Sanders gruffly admitted, “But I love the attention. I want to allow all the college students to ‘Feel The Bern’ one more time and enjoy the ride. My plan has always been to announce my bid, go through the process, spend millions in other…

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Beavis and Butt-Head Kick Off “Let’s Hate Trump” Tour

PORTLAND, MAINE – Democratic Party chairman Tom “Beavis” Perez and socialist Bernie “Butt-Head” Sanders kicked off their Let’s Hate Trump! tour to a crowd of millennials last night, hoping to gin up enthusiasm and votes for the midterm elections in 2018. Worried their party may not have ramped-up the crazy enough since losing the presidential election, Beavis took the stage first, pulling his shirt up over the back of his head and launching into his Cornholio routine. Hearing a smattering of boos when he was introduced, Cornholio angrily shouted “Are…

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Hillary Promises to Thank Bernie-Bots for Being “Useful Idiots”

Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders

PHILLY – In a move designed to bring unity to the party, Hillary Clinton’s campaign has leaked to the media that Mrs. Clinton does plan to at least thank Bernie Sanders’s supporters for serving as very dutiful “useful idiots” in her march to the presidency. Early rumors were that Hillary planned to ignore the Bernie-bots, hoping they would go away. Since they won’t, she believes a quick thank you will go a long way toward healing the anger caused by email revelations that the game was rigged in her favor…

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