Tag: Bernie Sanders

Hillary: Joe Biden Could Seal Deal With Voters By Getting Thrown Into Van

E. Williams

NEW YORK – Two-time presidential loser Hillary Clinton has some advice for her friend Joe Biden. Get your handlers to throw you into a waiting van. She said in an interview on CNN that getting thrown into a van was the high point of her campaign in 2016. “Sympathy can do wonders,” Clinton said, “And we Clinton’s are not the most sympathetic people. So, it’s a way of manipulating the emotions of voters. I think that’s what Joe needs to seal the deal against Bernie. And, trust me Joe, Democrats…

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Bernie Sanders Considering Lawsuit Against TurboTax For Using Word ‘Free’ Without His Permission

E. Williams

CAMPAIGN TRAIL – Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders is not happy with TurboTax. The online tax prep company features commercials that have various characters reciting the phrase “Free. Free free free. Free free. Free!” This time of year, most Americans can’t escape the tedious ads for TurboTax. But Bernie considers himself the ‘King of Free.’ And he’s now considering a lawsuit against TurboTax for overusing his patented free message. “When people think of the word ‘free’ they think of Bernie Sanders. Nobody promises more things for free than me.” Sanders continued,…

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Bernie Gives ‘My Depends Were Riding Up’ Excuse For Extra Crankiness At Debate

E. Williams
Depends

SOUTH CAROLINA – Cable news pundits even noticed that grumpy Bernie Sanders seemed crankier than normal in the last Democratic debate. Many said he didn’t look comfortable being in the middle position on stage. Now we may know why. Sanders said in an interview with MSNBC that his Depend diaper was too snug, and it was giving him fits. “My Depends were riding up my butt crack,” he told Joe Scarborough. “It didn’t have anything to do with how I felt being attacked as the front-runner.” Bernie then decided to…

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Climate Teenager Greta Launches Barrage Of Disapproving Looks To Save Planet

E. Williams
Greta

NEW YORK – Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg has figured out that by firing off disapproving looks at weak-minded politicians, she can shame them into doing what she wants. She is deathly afraid of climate change, and there’s no end to the pouting she’ll do until it’s fixed. Those on the Left have elevated the teenager to near-Saint status just because they can’t bear to see the disappointment on her face due to their inability to save us all from bursting into flames in a few years. The young Swede…

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Carbon Dating Confirms 2020 Democrat Front-runners Are Ancient

E. Williams
carbon

WASHINGTON – We knew they were old. Now, science has confirmed it. Following carbon dating on Democrat presidential hopefuls Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders, the 2020 front-runners are indeed from a bygone era. Measuring carbon isotopes from the political fossils, scientists determined Biden and Sanders date back to between the late Cenozoic period and the #MeToo era. This geo-political period was known as a time when most creatures were not yet “woke.” The results of the tests reinforces the notion that the two men are ancient in the minds of…

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Bernie: Boston Bomber’s Brother Should Be Allowed To Vote From Hell

E. Williams
boston bomber

NEW YORK – During a CNN town hall event on Monday, Democrats’ favorite socialist, Bernie Sanders, said the Boston Bomber should be given the right to vote for his party from prison. Several other 2020 candidates seemed to be in agreement with the proposal. When asked if felons like the Boston Marathon Bomber should be given back their right to vote, Sanders answered, “I do believe the one brother should be allowed to vote from his cell, and his dead brother should be allowed to vote from Hell.” Bernie’s base…

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Bernie Sanders Launches Bid To Not Be President In 2020

E. Williams

VERMONT – Senator Bernie Sanders announced today that he will indeed seek to not be the president in 2020. He enters a crowded field of progressives seeking the Democratic nomination in 2020, but he has more experience losing than the others. “I know I won’t win,” Sanders gruffly admitted, “But I love the attention. I want to allow all the college students to ‘Feel The Bern’ one more time and enjoy the ride. My plan has always been to announce my bid, go through the process, spend millions in other…

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Beavis and Butt-Head Kick Off “Let’s Hate Trump” Tour

E. Williams

PORTLAND, MAINE – Democratic Party chairman Tom “Beavis” Perez and socialist Bernie “Butt-Head” Sanders kicked off their Let’s Hate Trump! tour to a crowd of millennials last night, hoping to gin up enthusiasm and votes for the midterm elections in 2018. Worried their party may not have ramped-up the crazy enough since losing the presidential election, Beavis took the stage first, pulling his shirt up over the back of his head and launching into his Cornholio routine. Hearing a smattering of boos when he was introduced, Cornholio angrily shouted “Are…

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Hillary Promises to Thank Bernie-Bots for Being “Useful Idiots”

E. Williams
Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders

PHILLY – In a move designed to bring unity to the party, Hillary Clinton’s campaign has leaked to the media that Mrs. Clinton does plan to at least thank Bernie Sanders’s supporters for serving as very dutiful “useful idiots” in her march to the presidency. Early rumors were that Hillary planned to ignore the Bernie-bots, hoping they would go away. Since they won’t, she believes a quick thank you will go a long way toward healing the anger caused by email revelations that the game was rigged in her favor…

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