Mitt Romney On Alter-Ego Pierre Delecto: I Wanted A Cool Nickname Like Beto

Delecto

UTAH – Beta-male Senator Mitt Romney has been busted for using a fake Twitter account to advance his anti-Trump efforts on social media. Is Romney a coward for doing this? Yes. Does Romney crave attention from the same establishment media that destroyed his presidential run in 2012? Yes. But Romney says the real reason is more innocent. “I just wanted a really, really cool nickname. Like ‘Beto,’ he explained. “I’m a beta-male, just like Beto, and being Pierre Delecto gives me the courage to say things online that I’m not…

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Beto: Gun Show Attendees Kindly Offered To Shove AR-15’s Up My Butt

AR-15

MERICA – 2020 lost cause Beto O’Rourke said in the latest Democratic debate that he was coming for your guns. In the 1 in 10,000,000,000 chance he were ever to become president of the United States, he would push for gun confiscation. When asked if he would institute a gun buyback program, the hapless candidate emphatically responded, “Hell yes, we’re going to take your AR-15, your AK-47.” To strengthen his position, O’Rourke said he attended a gun show recently in which people at the event told him they would gladly…

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Mayor Pete: I Will Wipe Out College Student Beer Debt If Elected

FLORIDA – Trying to keep up with all the ways 2020 Democratic hopefuls are promising to wipe out all uncomfortable facets of modern life, Mayor Pete Buttigieg has joined the chorus. Pete wants to pass reparations for all the money college students spent on beer and alcohol during their university days. “Look, Bernie wants to wipe out financial distress with college loan forgiveness. Kamala Harris and Squaw Warren want to wipe out racism by making reparations for slavery and the hard times the white man gave the red man. Hell,…

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Beto O’Rourke Blames Hispanic Privilege For 2020 Campaign Missteps

privilege

NEW YORK – 2020 presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke blamed his rich Mexican heritage and “Hispanic privilege” for his lackluster showing in the campaign so far. He acknowledged that flaunting his ethnicity was a mistake, and it made him appear to be elitist. “The photo of me looking like a white guy, but munching on a chimichanga while riding a donkey into a campaign event was not a good look for me. I think my Hispanic privilege is why I’m getting beat like a piñata in the polls.” O’Rourke is readying…

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Nation Understands Border Issue Better After Beto Dental Cleaning

dental

EL PASO – Robert “Beto” O’Rourke blessed the country today by having his dental hygienist explain the complex border situation during a dental appointment. He live-streamed his appointment on Instagram. Liberals were blown away by the experience. 23-year old Summer Baxter said, “I’ve heard all the oral arguments from both sides about the border security and immigration issues. Not like this, though. You know, from a dentist chair. You can bet I’m going to be finding out what my dental hygienist thinks the solution to climate change is at my…

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Texas Worried BETO Yard Signs May Overwhelm Landfills

CRUZ TERRITORY – Now that the election is over, waste management officials in Texas are worried about all those BETO yard signs littering the Lone Star State. They aren’t sure the state’s landfills can handle that much extra trash. Manuel Flores, site manager for Texas Disposal Systems, thinks the state should sell the signs back to Hollywood celebrities. “They paid for most of those signs. Maybe we could sell them back for pennies on the dollar. Then it’s their problem. We’re also looking at working a deal with some other…

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